The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 1

An Introduction
It’s a slightly breezy 60’s something Columbus evening, and I’m sitting outside on the front porch of my condo, typing on my laptop, watching neighbors walk dogs and drag kids, and enjoying the occasional adolescent motorcycle roar down Powell Rd.

I thought I’d begin a new blog series dealing with my singlehood as a 30 year old man. I often wonder how married people view the single. Sometimes, I’ve found that the hitched folks feel sorry for you because you’re still “incomplete.” At times, your well meaning friends or good willed family members may even make attempts to hook you up with the sweet young girl who sits across from their cubicle or their pew in church. On occasion, it works, and other times, these scenarios bomb the big one. Many a married person will try to help, ignore, or understand the single, but at the end of the day, we are a foreign breed, a moving target, and a marvel of humanity. I hope in the following pages to further unravel the mysteries of what goes on behind the peculiar mind and life of the single.

A Boy’s World Changes
I’ve observed many things as a single man in an often married world. To begin, you graduate from college, many of your friends marry within a couple of years of graduation. Some of them just disappear after the honeymoon, while some still make a commendable effort to keep in touch and not make you feel totally inferior.

Your single world continues to transform as you get older. All the “opportunities” you might have had in college start to slim, and if you’re fortunate, you find a good singles’ ministry in your early career days. As much as you try, you can’t avoid the fact that you’re checking off years, and the college freshman you once found so attractive start to seem like children, and any temptation to ask one out makes you feel like a dirty old man. You quickly realize that you are now looking for someone a bit older and more experienced at life.

57 Varieties
This brings me to the topic of singles’ groups. I do have a sincere sympathy for people who don’t want to work with “the singles.” Within a singles’ ministry can live a plethora of people... everyone from visiting college students who are looking for anything but a relationship (because their ivy league boyfriend will be waiting for them at the library when they get back to campus) to the long time regulars who have endured 3-4 trendy ministry name changes, and are still waiting for “just the right opportunity” to ask “Betty Sue” out who’s been sitting with her girlfriends at that same corner table for last five years.

Singles come in more possibilities than Heinz. You have people in the middle of career changes... some are just “passing through” and will soon be off to another state for a better job... some are always on mission's trips, and show up more frequently on powerpoint presentations than in person... and then you have the engaged couples, some of which are completely aloof and lost in each others’ eyes, while others are determined to remind you that they each have found their significant other and you haven’t. Fun times indeed.

Dissecting the Meat Market
There are a ton of opinions among singles in regards to what a singles’ ministry should look like. Some believe it should be strictly reserved for making new Christian friends and learning more about God’s Word, while others are on the prowl to find their dream Christian man stud or lady babe. I often see the two above mentalities colliding. In my church’s singles group, I once heard a long time attending girl say she “would never date anyone in the group” while in contrast, I’ve seen guys flock like jackals to the table of the new cute girl who walks in some Sunday evening. I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with looking for a mate at church (a lot better than looking at the bars), but I do think there needs to be some balance. I’ve just concluded that a single’s group is going to look clumsy... regardless of how many committee meetings you have or how many electric guitars you bring on stage. Even the most dynamic and persuasive leader can never completely resolve this divide between “meat market” and “nun house”.

So goes the first installment of the “Art of Singlehood.”

Originally published June 1, 2006

The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 2

The “Leave and Cleave Dilemma”

Genesis 2:24
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

Seems like a simple enough thought. Right? Sure, for the engaged couple ready to tie the hitch. But what about the single man or woman? Does this verse even apply to their respective lives? I’ve noticed from observation (of my own life and those around me) that some singles can get stuck in this mentality that they are unable to “move on with their lives” until they find that significant other. They almost feel bound to sit around and wait for the right guy or gal to “complete” them. If you are like me and have grown up in a Christian school, church, Christian college, etc, you may have been dealt this belief that you are lacking something as a single person (the chapels at my Christian college specialized in ridiculously glorifying both marriage and “full-time ministry,” and some churches I’ve familiar with praise the institution of marriage, yet make zero attempts to reach the single demographic within their church body. Don’t get me wrong. Both marriage and pastoral type ministries are to be valued, yet even good things too lopsided can quickly take the shape of an idol). Anyways, my point here is, we can become who we believe we are. If you are given hints that you are “half a person” because you are single, you may start to live with some hidden anxiety that you are subpar to those who are married. You might develop a case of what I like to call “single paranoia.” If that’s your diagnosis, just remember that Paul was most likely single (he wrote a good chunk of the new testament) and even Jesus (despite the heritical ramblings of the DiVinci Code) was a bachelor.

In constrast to all I’ve said above, you personally may, on the other hand, be someone who has been supported and loved unconditionally by your friends and family, regardless whether you have a “better half” or not. I’ve been fortunate to have a family who loves me for who I am, and though they know my heart’s desire to marry, they don’t purposely pressure me into “making grandkids,” but graciously pray for me, my potential future mate, and love me unconditionally all along. I’ve also had the friendship and support of many of my married friends. Many of them have been models of what a Christian marriage should be. There have just been other outside forces in my life as well as inner voices in my head which have attempted to make me believe that am on some “B List” as a single.

The Bumpy Road Called "Leaving"
In the context of marriage, the concept of “leaving” seems pretty cut and dry (move away from mom and dad, your bachelor life, etc.), although the application of such principle is probably an ongoing life long lesson. I’m told marriage can really kick peoples’ butts. As an example, at times, I’ve been slipped one liners like “If you think things are tough now, wait until you get married!!” I’m never quite sure how to take that statement. To begin, I would argue that that person has an unrealistic view of what it is to be single, because the single life is by no means easy... (if you were married when you were 22, you have no idea what it is like to be 35 and still single)... and second, I’m curious whether that person is trying to scare me away from marriage or lure me into sharing with him/her in some institution of pain. How are you supposed to respond to something like that?? Anyways, I get the point that marriage is challenging for all involved (especially if you have kids). For the man, he’d better learn how to manage his finances and keep a steady job and be understanding of his wife's’ feelings even when the words coming out of her mouth make no sense to him. The woman may have to learn to “leave” mom and dad emotionally, and stop spending to her heart’s content using dad’s money. Who knows. Maybe the guy needs to cut down on the time he spends watching his favorite games, or enjoying his beloved hobby, and maybe the woman needs to leave some of those guy friends in the past, and focus her attention on her “prince charming” and help him to understand that he is her one and only. I’m sure it looks different for different people. Everyone has various areas in which he/she needs to grow up. From my understanding, a lot of “comfort zones” get challenged in marriage. Things you can get away with your friends don’t fly with your wife. So at the end of the day, you’d better grow up and learn to be responsible (and flexible) if you’re going to say “I do.” As you “leave” certain pasts in your life, you begin to instead cleave to the needs and desires of that other person. Easier said than done, I’m sure.

A Single's Mind Should be Single Minded
So this brings us to the pending magic question... how does the single person “leave?” What does he leave? I think first, he/she needs to leave the idea that he/she will never be “fulfilled” without being married. Will he/she miss out on being a parent? Probably. Will he/she never experience a candle lit dinner or an international exploration with the one he/she loves dearly? Most likely. We all have dreams and hopes of what we think marriage might be. However, there are other things to see, and other worlds to explore as a single person. Singlehood doesn’t have to be as gloomy as we sometimes make it. We need to leave the idea that only married people are happy. I’ve met a lot of married people who are very unhappy. Wives who gossip about their husbands. Husbands who don’t listen to their wives. Women who always “have headaches” and are mad at their husbands for “looking at other women.” Men who only have to “stay at work a couple more hours” only to come home and watch a 3 1/2 hour sports game. The stories are there if you look for them. As singles, we have to get past this false reality that marriage is bliss. On the contrary, some of us need to get past our own cynicism and understand that marriage is in fact beautiful, even in imperfection. Some of us have had bad experiences, and we tell ourselves that all relationships will be bad. That is simply not true. What I’m saying is that we need to have a balanced view of what marriage is and is meant to be. We need to leave our misconceptions of marriage behind. I have one friend you likes to use the phrase “one more check in the single’s column” every time one of his married friends decides to discuss a new marital frustration. I think that’s pretty funny.

So, in addition to adjusting our expectations of marriages, we have to grow up just like the married man or woman. We have to leave our childhood tendencies and cleave to wisdom and maturity, and more importantly, to Christ and His will for our lives. We shouldn’t wait around for someone else to motivate us to take risks, or stand up for truth, or chase dreams, etc. etc. etc. In fact, some people never follow their hearts before they are married, thinking that someone else will help them to “find themselves” when in fact, the “finding of themselves” in marriage only breeds a deep regret that they hadn’t done more “exploring” as a single person.

Don’t mean to burst any bubbles here, but for some of us, marriage may never be a reality. This is a potential we each need to digest, though it be unappetizing as a chalky pink puddle of Pepto. So, if we do remain single, does the goal of self improvement lose it’s cause or meaning? Do I then, as one Seinfield episode comically sited, “Move to Florida so I can die?” Absolutely not! Our primary goal should be to forward the Kingdom of God, not “check out”... nor feaverishly fight to “look as good as possible” so that “he” or “she” will take notice (although we should take care of ourselves on some level). What if “he” or “she” doesn’t ever take notice? If we live our lives for God, God will notice and God will reward us in His own way and in His own time. We should be concerned about whether or not we are pleasing Him. That should be our focus. We must cleave alone to Christ and His will for our lives. As a side note, just remember, when we all get to Heaven, we’ll all be single (I’d like to hear a hymn about that!). Check out Luke 20:27-39. Marriage will be a thing of the past, and our eternal investments for God (and yes, this includes our love for family, friends, kids, spouse, etc.) will be the only tokens stuck in our belt loops during the ressurection (or rapture, if you’re lucky).

And God Said It Was Good (So Who Am I To Argue?)
Finally, I want to say I have NOTHING against marriage. I, in fact, would like to be married some day and I pray that in such a situation, I will be a man of God who loves God first, and genuinely loves and cares for his wife. I am not bashing marriage, nor am I underhandedly trying to say that any of my close married friends have treated me poorly or deserve to be put down. On the contrary, my close married friends have played a very special part in my life, and I’ve watched happily as many of these friends have, through marriage, become more responsible and balanced people. I’m just making observations based on many things I have seen over the years, people I’ve talked to, stories I’ve heard, etc. I’m basically trying to put everything on an even playing field. We’re all in this together. You may be a married foot and I may be a single eye, but you can’t walk anywhere if you’re blind, and I’d be rolling around aimlessly if it wasn’t for your handsome ten toes.

A Romantic Closer
Finally, if you are single, don’t be hindered by foolish apprehensions or useless daydreaming. Be yourself and let go of what other people think you should be. Listen to the whispers of God, not the stereotypes, idolatries, and old wives tales of men. As Paul said, both marriage and singlehood have their place (I Cor 7). Stay encouraged. Press on. Maybe your mate will meet you when you least expect it as you are busy chasing the passions that your Heavenly Father has laid upon your heart. If you long to run, put your shoes on, and start down the narrowing field leading to the woods. Your best match may be found along the dirt trails during the last leg of the race.

Originally published June 13, 2006

The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 3

What A Girl Wants
Every single has some list of qualities he/she is looking for in a future mate. These lists can range from “I’ll take anyone with a pulse who will go out with me” to “If you don’t match my 300 specs, I am out of your league and you need to step out of line.” Some people like to talk openly about what they are looking for in a mate, while others prefer to keep such personal preferences to themselves.

The other night, I was at a young adult/singles group, and believe it or not, the message for the evening came from the most bachelor/bachelorette-relevant of all books of the Bible, Song of Solomon! Sarcasm aside, it actually turned out to be a great discussion and mainly focused on the concept of “not awakening love before it so desires.” As we dug deeper into the topic of dating, the group leader decided to open the floor up for people to share what they were looking for in a mate. Interesting!! One girl said she was looking for a guy who was confident in himself. One guy said he was hoping to marry his best friend, because the romance only lasts so long. One girl said she wanted a guy with a backbone, because she had a temper, and the guy should know how to handle that. Another guy was dreaming of a girl he could argue with (in a fun or intellectual sort of way). One guy said he wanted someone who could “keep him in line” and someone who wouldn’t talk too much about annoying things like“how her best friend was breaking up with so and so.” One guy was searching for a girl who could make him laugh. What did I say? I kept my mouth shut. Why? Maybe the girl I’m going to marry was in the room, and what if she happened to possess the quality I was “trying to avoid,” yet God knew that inspite of that, she was the right person for me? I think there are some things you should keep to yourself, especially in a room full of potentials.

With a slight derail, I am going to make a terrible confession. I once tried online dating... yes, I admit it... through one of those cheesy Christian dating sites. There was one option in the initial getting to know you portion which made me laugh. If you so desired, you could ask the other person what he/she was looking for in a mate. Seems innocent enough, right? Well, if you were really savvy, after asking that question and receiving an answer, you could turn around and bend the truth just enough so that the other person would believe that you were everything he/she ever wanted... of course, it was easy to pass the test with a cheat sheet!! I personally tried to avoid asking this question, but I thought I’d throw this tid bit out there as I thought it deserved a chuckle. Anyways, on we move.

Ever read a child’s Christmas wish list to Santa?? Sort of humorous sometimes, huh? As a parent, you may read your kids’ list and quietly laugh inside thinking, “Do you really think we’re going to buy you “a U2 iPod, the whole Lego Star Wars collection, and a pet ferret? Riiiight.” As singles, I wonder if our “wish lists” are just too unrealistic. Maybe we should be happy if we only get a hamster and an iPod Shuffle. Of course, I think we should have standards. We shouldn’t settle for anyone. Again, as in all my single’s columns, I’m just rattling my soap box of balance. My point is... don’t swing too far either way between being too picky and being too desperate. Picky people find that perfection doesn’t exist, and desperate people get burned by their haste. At either rainbow’s end, you’ll find a pot of dissapointment.

When Lists Collide
I find it both ironic and disheartening how we can work so hard to find somebody to meet all our expectations, only to discover that that person has his/her own unquenchable spreadsheet of “must haves.” What a challenging world we live in. I have to wonder if it has always been this difficult for people to find a “compatible” member of the opposite sex. It just seemed a lot simpler when my parents were kids. People just fell in love, and said “I do.” There weren’t all these self-help books and counseling seminars. People got married, and somehow, many of them stayed together. Maybe we have been brainwashed by our vote for your favorite television shows and our photoshopped, skin-soaked computer screens. Maybe we have trouble recognizing beauty, as God sees it. Maybe you and I are both a bit blind. Maybe, in the light of our expectations for others, we no longer notice our own blemishes.

When I was young, I used to think my future wife would be an angel. As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that a beautiful woman is just as flawed and human as me... and of course, this goes both ways... ladies, your prince charming may have days when he lets you down. This is where forgiveness and true love step in. We can go into dating with unrealistic lists of what we want, and we can further the list making in marriage by keeping a neat little notebook of someone else’s shortcomings. I’m glad my Heavenly Father isn’t in the business of back logging. Neither should we.

Originally published June 15, 2006

The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 4

Bought Me A Chryster (As Big As A Whale)
I had a grandmother who used to say “Saturday is the loneliness night of the week.” To compensate, often on Saturday evenings, after dressing up, she and my grandfather would go for long drives in the car "just for fun,” while occasionally stopping at an Arby’s or similar restaurant for a little “eating out.” My grandmother never drove (her entire life) so my grandfather was always the one navigating the large boat of a Chrysler. My grandma also loved to go to the mall and shop, and often, that was one highlight of my grandparents’ Saturday nights on the town (at least for my grandma; my grandpa might have been bored out of his mind).

Yes, obviously, my grandparents were married. So why am I using them as an example for a blog written to singles? Because this entry is in fact composed for everyone. Why? Well, I’ve seen that loneliness can strike a sweeping gamete of humanity... the bachelor/bachelorette... the “happily” married husband or wife... even kids can feel the teeth of being alone. Regardless, I will begin by speaking specifically to my single friends.

Give The Bottle A Rest
In many of my “art of singlehood” blogs, I’ve been unforgiving and to the point. I’ve said things like, “Don’t mean to burst any bubbles here, but the reality is, some of us will never be married.” Although that is true, I don’t want to make light of what concerns many of us singles day in and day out. Often, it really isn’t easy being alone, and the solution goes much deeper than us choosing to simply “get over it.” We obviously need to get past the denial stage where we keep believing for sure that “there is someone out there for us.” It always annoys me when people throw this bandage at me. Maybe there is somebody for me; maybe there isn’t. The key here is being open to God’s will. If God desires for you or I to be married, He will lead us in that direction, and in His time. Eventually, we can come to this point where we are "patiently" waiting for that mate, but in the meantime, we often can alternately start cramming our lives with people, jobs, ministries, cars, homes, entertainment, etc... anything to help us forget that we are alone. Been there, done that. I’ll be honest here... sometimes it’s hard for me to look my loneliness in the face. If you haven’t done it already, try it for yourself. Sometime, instead of calling up your friends, or flipping on the tv... have a little one-on-one with your loneliness. You can sit on one couch and he can sit on the other. Just take a little time to stare him in the face. Look him up and down, and realize that he’s maybe not as scary as you once thought. I know I’m speaking in illustration here, but what I’m saying is this... if you are lonely, you need to begin by admitting that... and instead of picking up the bottle (figuratively), go grab your Bible instead and read the Psalms... or sit on the front porch in the pouring rain and have a one-on-one with the God who made you. Whether we’re married or not, the truth still stands... we weren’t meant to be alone... but we shouldn’t try to patch that hole with the wrong spackle... find someone to date... or call up the friend who always makes us laugh, etc., etc... we have to start by taking that sickening emptiness to God, lay it before Him, and drink from the only water source that will completely satisfy. Then, we can wipe away the tears, wash our faces, and go out to healthfully and thankfully enjoy the friends and hobbies and material goods that God has so graciously provided.

No Need To Remind Me
Loneliness is real, and loneliness just doesn’t disappear by willing it away. We’ve got to start by digging up the roots of the problem. We should ask ourselves, “Why am I lonely?” and “What am I expecting to make that loneliness go away?” Maybe we think we are lonely because we come home to an empty house every night, or we feel pathetic sitting by ourselves at the dining room table eating tv dinners, when we dream of cooking a good meal and sharing it with someone we love. Maybe hanging out with the nieces and nephews just reinforces the regret that we don't have kids of our own. Maybe we feel like we’ve been dealt a bad hand, and maybe we’re even jealous of others who have another to share life with. A variety of things can capitalize one's solitude. Often, we don't want to admit our loneliness nor deal with it. Many of us will do anything to avoid being reminded that we are alone. Also, we may not want to talk with anyone about how we really feel because it shows weakness, even defeat. Especially for guys... we've been taught to be tough. Most of us don't want people feeling sorry for us. Nobody needs to see the cracks in our armor. Men are trail blazers, right? Lone rangers don't need the help of others... or do they?

“X” Is A Moving Target
I again turn my focus to “everyone” and ask the following questions. What causes you to be lonely? What expectation of yours is not being fulfilled? How can you submit that expectation to God? What are you using to "fix" your loneliness? What aren’t you letting God be in your life? Which of His promises are you choosing to disbelieve or ignore? It’s my conviction that loneliness unattended is idolatry. If we don't take our loneliness to God, we will start searching for "idols" to displace our emotional voids. Realize that God is bigger than your loneliness. If it was His will for you to have “X”’ (a marriage partner, kids, closer friends, etc.), you would have that. The good Lord above gives and takes away, and we need to always be thankful for what He has entrusted us with. We shouldn’t be complaining about what we don’t have. If we live our lives trying to cram the creation (instead of the Creator) into our wanting hearts, we’ll always be discontent. Truth be told, many of us wouldn’t be happy even if we had “what we wanted.” A discontent heart is unquenchable as it feeds off of thoughts of the “next best thing,” Unfortunately, the "next best thing" is as elusive as a soap bubble.

Look At All The Lonely People
The Beatles said it well. We need to realize that there are lonely people all around us. What’s the point of complaining that you don’t have any closer friends (or a husband or wife) if you’re not “making yourself friendly?” Go out and help someone else who’s lonely. Maybe you’ll feel a bit better, and possibly even make a lifelong friend in the process.

Originally published June 27, 2006

The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 5

Tea Bags, Boiling Points, and Mud Facials
I’ve never been a huge fan of reality shows, but I think on some level, it’s interesting what can happen when you put ten totally different people in a house for a month and capture it on video. I’m sure Big Brother and The Real World and other shows like this are quite scripted and over dramatized... however, I assume regardless, there would be a number of challenges present with such a variety of personalities competing. Once I heard someone refer to human beings as “tea bags whose true character expresses itself best in a pot of hot water.” We all have certain “flaws” and personality traits that we despise, and to some degree, try to keep hidden from those around us. Maybe it’s a bad tempter, or an insecurity, or an unhealthy compulsion. Whatever the case, we are all human, imperfect, and bent towards putting on the makeup. Nevertheless, hardship (or 30 days in a house full of strangers) can be the splash of water that reveals our true selves.

So how does this all relate to singlehood, you ask? Remember that first date? What did you do to get ready for it? Maybe you took a shower, whitened your teeth, put on some cologne or perfume, composed your hair, cleaned all the Wendy’s trash out of your car, etc, etc. There is certainly nothing wrong with putting your best foot forward, especially on the first date (or at a job interview, etc). If I showed up on a girl’s front porch, and she met me dressed in jammies, mud, and curlers, I’d have to wonder if there had been some breakdown of communication along the way.

Despite our attemtps to look our best, in every relationship, there is a point when you’re reminded that the other person isn’t perfect (and they are reminded likewise of your shortcomings). I think sometimes as singles, it can be easy to make our lists and then try to fit another person into that list before we have really taken the time to get to know he/she for who he/she is. Maybe you want to meet a guy who is both confident, and a leader. At first, some guy strikes you as very confident, and before looking him up and down, you assume that “he’s the one for you” and must be a leader too. You start to expect him to be a leader, but the farther you get into the relationship, the more you realize that he’s more cocky about himself than he is interested in setting an example for others... then you become disappointed and frustrated... or you continually live in some state of denial, ignoring the facts, and maybe even assuming that he will eventually change for the better. Infatuation can blind, and sometimes, we want to turn a blind eye to certain “bad” sides of another person. “He’s such a nice guy, but I wish he didn’t drink so much.” “She’s so cute, but she keeps overdrawing her bank account.” The reality here is, we need to be honest when evaluating the entire personality and make-up of another person. This doesn’t mean we rule out every “potential” who isn’t perfect and this doesn’t mean we go around looking for what other people aren’t. It’s good to focus on the good qualities of others. Maybe my weaknesses will be balanced out with your strengths and visa versa. There are no perfect people, and in such a case that you do find someone who is perfect, be careful that you aren’t the one who ruins him/her. On the contrary, there are certainly issues to avoid when looking for a mate, but at the same time, we need to approach relationships with grace, patience, and understanding, especially if we’re expecting such virtues reciprocated from another imperfect human being. If I’m pre-occupied by a speck in your eye, I might be more helpful if I first removed the telephone pole protruding from my own face. We need to be honest looking at others, and even more honest when looking at ourselves.

Relationship Or Renovationship?
So let’s say you meet the guy of your dreams and then you find out he has some “baggage” or “issues.” At that point, you have to make a decision. Either you decide to live with who he is, you break off the relationship, or set out to try to “change the man for the better.” I’ve noticed this urge to renovate with some people, especially some women. They’re oddly looking for a man they can fix. The other night, I heard a comedian talking about how his wife dresses him, and doesn’t let him go out of the house without “being approved.” Don’t get me wrong here. I’m totally open to having a women make clothing suggestions if she has a good eye for such things. My point here is, as a general rule, a person shouldn’t have the goal of ultimately harnessing, controlling, and reworking another person simply to make that person a better fit, less of an embarrassment, or easier to live with. If we choose to be in a relationship, we need to learn to appreciate one another for our differences (and yes, this is easier said than done), and celebrate our diversity (in Christian terms, not in a twisted rainbow agenda sort of way), unless there are issues of serious concern. Some problems are more dire (unfaithfulness, spiritual disinterest, depression), while there are other issues which may be annoyances you just need to learn to live with (how she rolls the toothpaste tube, or how he never manages to put the toilet seat down). I suppose its all about perspective, and choosing your battles carefully, and in the interest of the other person. Sometimes, unhealthy attempts to manipulatively change another person can even backfire in reactions of imbitterement, disrespect, and apathy.

I always think it’s funny how some older couples still joke about their differences, yet the general tone of their jest is that of an old, time-tested friendship, not that of irritation or resentment. I suppose we should always ask ourselves why we might want to change another person. Is our motive self-centered, or is it fueled by true concern and love for that friend, girlfriend, mate, etc.? In the end, two people need to be willing to work with and sacrfice for each other, even if that means taking an extra millisecond to drop the cap of the porcelain throne. Ultimately, a couple should aim for communication and respect. Maybe some of the quirks of another person are even beautiful, and you just haven’t learned to appreciate them yet.

A Old Dog With New Tricks
As singles, it’s a little dangerous to go into a relationship with the assumption that marriage will magically alleviate personality flaws, bad spending habits, negative attitudes, or unhealthy addictions. As the old saying goes, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Now I’m not saying that it’s impossible for a person to change for the better after he/she is married. Thank God, as Christians, we are all undergoing a sanctification process and are hopefully becoming more like Christ. We just need to be careful not to hyper-inflate marriage as a fix all. I certainly have issues I’m working through, and I’m sure you do too. As singles, we need to be striving to be now what we want to be in marriage (if marriage is part of God’s plan for our lives). Also, we need to be careful when selecting someone we want to spend the rest of our earthly existence with. If a “character concern” genuinely bothers you, don’t push those apprehensions to the back of your consciousness, believing that he or she will get better (if you don’t see any improvement)... or even worse, go the route of believing that you have the knowledge and persuasion to do some transforming miracle in the heart of another human being, when the true fix can only come through a work of God.

Originally published July 13, 2006

The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 6

Streams and Swamps
My father gave me a great illustration once: “A stream narrowed carries a powerful current while a stream widened is nothing more than a swamp.” This truth could be applied to anyone, but for now, I’m going to focus my arguments toward my single friends.

I begin by asking this question, “Are you focused or do you feel a general sense of directionlessness in your life?” Have you recently paused long enough to evaluate what is really most important to you? We all feed priorities in our lives, even if we’re not conscious of those moment by moment destiny-molding decisions. Maybe you have a clear cut vision for where you’re trying to go in life, or maybe you’re wandering the desert aimlessly. Maybe your goal is to climb a bit higher at work, buy a house, or like so many single people, maybe your greatest aspiration is to accelerate the ETA of your future mate. Maybe you feel that is the time where your meaning will be discovered. Maybe you believe that other person will further define who you are and what your mission is. Maybe you’re looking for a certain level of intimacy that you just don’t find with your “everyday friends.” On the other hand, maybe you are extremely grounded in your faith, friendships, and individuality and you’ve grown past these misconceptions. Everyone is at a different stage in his/her life.

Here’s The Church and Here’s The Steeple...
I’ve seen a growing trend among Christian singles. I know a number of single folks who spend much of their energy strattling various church groups (even internet dating sites) in hopes of being “at the right place at the right time” to meet that right guy or girl. When it comes to church, maybe you like the teaching at one Sunday morning service, yet all the hot Christian girls and guys are at a steeple across town. Some people operate under the assumption that God has one person for him/her, and it can become one’s goal to feverishly seek out that diamond in the rough. I’ve found that this belief system can quickly become emotionally and spiritually draining. In contrast to the desperate seeker, there are other people exhaustively waiting for that special someone to show up neatly gift wrapped on the doorstep. Then, other folks are truly first aiming to glorifying God, while trusting that He will provide the right guy/girl at the right time, if such provision is part of His eternal plan.

Google This
As a single, where are you at in “your search?” Are you tired of looking? Do you spend hours, days, weeks, and years picking through your “search engine results” only to walk away repeatable disappointed? So here’s a bigger question. Have you recently recommitted your “needs” to God? Maybe you think you need a companion? Is that true? God does say in Genesis that “it is not good for man to be alone,” but then again, wasn’t God the one who originally walked with man in the Garden of Eden? Where are you in regards to your “intimacy level” with God? Do you wake up each morning, roll your feet out of bed, only to lament that “You’re still alone?” My question is, are you really alone or are you simply isolating yourself from the deepest and most fulfilling relationship a man or woman can have? Are you more concerned about finding the substitute instead of discovering the mystery and marvel of what it means to be a friend of God?

Sitting By A Fountain At The Mall
I had a friend tell me once that some of his parent’s best (and most affordable) early dates consisted of people-watching at the mall. You can learn a lot by observing people you want to be like, or think you want to be like (or don’t want to be like). Take some time to watch married people around you. Are they content? Are they happy? Are they fulfilled? If they are walking with God, you’ll hopefully be able to answer “yes” to all of these questions. However, no one can really be completely satisfied simply by having a special someone, if God is not first at the center of his/her life. All true relationships (of any sort) are about sacrifice. I wonder how many young couples go into marriage with unrealistic expectations of how they will be completed by each other. Maybe it’s a longing for security, companionship, children, a compensation for a bad mother/father relationship, or even simply a ticket for “God-honoring” sex. Whatever the motive might be, shouldn’t the question be, “How can I compliment what God is already doing in that other person’s life?” instead of “What can I get?” This is indeed a tough one for all of us as we are all selfish people with often skewed motives. Now I’m not saying that we should all just avoid any relationships until we "have it all together." I just believe it’s a good exercise to take frequent “heart inventories.” We should be asking yourselves questions like: “What are my friendships built around?” and “Why am I going to such and such a church/young adult group?” and “Why I am desiring to be married?” I’ve been asking myself such questions a lot recently. Wrong motives can sneak up on you. This reminds me of the old game at Chucky Cheese Pizza where you had to wack purple hole- protruding ogers with a mallet for points. Thank goodness we have the holy spirit to keep our purple orger motives in check.

It’s Hard to Mow Your Own Grass When The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side
Where would the world be without dreamers? DaVinci. Thomas Edison. Ben Franklin. The Wright Brothers. Al Gore (we can thank him for the internet, right?). There is nothing wrong with looking over the fence and seeing what’s on the other side. However, there’s also something to be said about taking care of the concerns right in front of you. Do you dream of being married and having a lifelong companion? Certainly, there is nothing sinful about that in itself. God put this desire in most of us. However, are you neglecting other areas in your life while hyper focusing on “mate research?” Do you spend more time worrying about your perpetual singlehood than thanking God for how He’s blessed you otherwise? Are you working harder on getting hitched than you are investing in the friendships you have right now? When it comes to your current friendships, maybe there is a level of closeness that you haven’t even tapped into to. Maybe you’ve been too busy thinking about the future, and what you believe the perfect relationship will look like. Ask any married person and I’m sure they will tell you there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. All relationships take work, and time, and sacrifice, and investments from both parties... this goes for marriage, family relationships, friendships... they all require effort. Maybe God wants you to focus on being a great uncle or aunt. Maybe God wants you to be a better brother or sister. Maybe your neighbor would be flabbergasted if you stopped by after work and genuinely showed an interest in him or her for a few moments. Maybe life isn’t built around two people in a committed marriage relationship. Maybe life is build around love for all people. Maybe life is about loving the people right in front of us, and beside us, and underneath us in apartment 1A.

Don’t be a stream that’s become a swamp by spreading yourself too thin in hopes of “being in the right place at the right time” to find the perfect match. Let it go. Let God do the looking. He knows you more than you know yourself, and he’s got a proven system, more effective than any devised by man, even Dr. Neil Clark Warren of eHarmony. Pray a lot. Commit your concerns, fears, and worries to your all-understanding Father above. Look at the path below you instead of wondering what’s around the trees. Know that every pebble along the way has a purpose and a beautiful characteristic.

Recognize Your True Friends
Be a stream that’s narrowed and concentrated. One that values close friendships, and is willing to make them a priority. I know I have some time-proven close friendships in my life which I’ve overlooked at times, while in the meantime searching for the perfect complete stranger who may become my mate after years of conversation, trust building, and shared experiences. Don’t neglect your proven friendships while looking for “better” friendships. Old wine is better than cheap beer. As the old saying goes, “sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” Re-evaluate what’s really important to you, and what’s really important to God. Give your motives and passions a spring cleaning if need be. We can’t truly love God without loving the people He’s already placed in our lives. And just to clear things up, I am in no way advocating cliques. Meeting new people is good, but valuing proven friendships may be just as good or better. It’s important to identify people we really connect with and work to keep those relationships alive. Remember that even Jesus had a core group of friends- twelve unpolished common boys known as His disciples, some of which went on to jump-start the early church, the Lord’s own “baby,” if you will. Even the God of Heaven in human form had to learn the discipline of narrowing his stream of earthly friendships. If that’s not an example to follow, I don’t know what is.

Originally published August 5, 2006

The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 7

{Your Witty Comments Here}

So when am I going to get off this singlehood topic, you ask? Probably never. It is ever evolving, like my bald spot. I want to at least make it to 10 chapters if possible. I hope to entitle chapter 10 "A Little Perspective From My Married Friends." So, if you are my friend, and if you are married, and if you are reading my blog, this is your big chance!! Look through my last 6 "Art of Singlehood" entries (and any entries to come), and jot down your thoughts. Email them to me and if they're interesting and witty enough, I will include them in chapter 10!! Write a paragraph. A couple paragraphs. A Haiku. Whatever. If you'd like, I will leave your words completely anonymous, or I will post your first name and city... whatever you'd like! Start sending the insights!! I may compile all ten chapters and work to get a mini-book published and distributed to church bookstores nationwide! Or maybe not. Or maybe.

A Fly On The Marriage Ceremony Wall

Well, for those of you who don't know, I run sound for lots of events, including weddings. I've probably seen hundreds of weddings over the last couple years. Some are boring. Some are funny enough to blog about. Sometimes I see things I shouldn't see when looking over the sound perch down at all the people. Anyways. So, here we go. Here is a small list of funny situations I've been blessed to observe.

1. The bride walked down the aisle to the theme of "The Last of the Mohicans." I like the song, but it is totally inappropriate for a wedding I think, unless you want people to envision slane Indians falling off cliffs. That is not a cool picture, at least for me.

2. The western theme wedding when all the groomsmen wore cowboy hats and boots and the little ring bearer boy was pulling a red wagon with a small dog in it. A shoot out between West Virginia and the Old West on the dusty SUV tracked streets of Powell, OH. Wow and Ye-Haw.

3. The newscast personality wedding where two apparently popular people with lots of make-up and hair gel met with personal vows which sounded like really bad Hallmark cards. The pianist was paid 100s of dollars to play one song, and all of the other songs were CD tunes from Disney movies, hiss and all. The song played while they ran down the aisle after being pronounced man and wife was some sort of circus music with tubas. What in the world. The wedding program exclaimed "It's Our Wedding Day!!!!" sort of like you'd see at the end of a loony tunes cartoon with a swirl and a "That's All Folks!!" On the back of the program was a Walt Disney quote that basically read, "If you wish, all your dreams will come true." Right. I did like the stretch Hummer though. Maybe our military should look into those. You could scale some serious dunes with that sucker.

4. The two back-to-back weddings where the first wedding party accidently took the rings and marriage certificate from the second wedding. The bride and groom in the second wedding had to borrow some rings from their friends, all the while, the people from the first wedding were unreachable while out eating dinner.

5. The bagpiper who didn't know when to stop. He played for the prelude of the wedding outside the small chapel, and continued playing as the pianist began playing just before the wedding inside the chapel. I don't think I've ever heard a bad bagpiper, but this guy's intonation was terrible. I'm sure kilted men were turning over in their graves. Eventually, someone from the audience walked back to me at the soundboard in the back of the room, and asked, "Are they supposed to be playing at the same time?" I replied, "I don't think so... but I have an idea." At this point, while looking the bagpiper straight in the eye, I closed the two wooden doors. The second the doors shut, he stopped playing. I felt like I had just ripped a lollipop out of a little child's hands. I think he got the point, and I think he later wanted to prove some point because at the end of the wedding, he walked into the back of the chapel and pointed his tubes right in my face and started playing. Those things are loud!! I don't think rock guitarists are the only musicians who are flirting with the loss of their hearing!! I tried to smile at the guy, make eye contact, etc. but I think he didn't like me at this point. What are you going to do.

These are a few highlights. I'm sure there will be more to come.

Originally published August 26, 2006

The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 8

The Little Single Who Could
I’ve made a lot of false predictions in my days, especially in regards to couples and relationships. A number of months ago, I was making the observation that my church’s young adult group was filled with wallflowers, complete with one girl who swore, “She would never date anybody inside our group.” I now feel I’m witnessing in contrast the climax of a romantic bag of popcorn where guys and girls are getting shacked up quicker than Orvell Redenbacher can turn corn feed into white puffy buttery goodness. I actually really think this is awesome, and am happy for many of my friends. I mean this, seriously. However, in the midst of the goo goo eyeing and two by twoing, what I sadly notice is a competing voice of complaint from some of those who are still playing it solo. I pray I don’t and haven’t come across as one of these.

I have a dating friend who once sent me (I think innocently) an email in response to a blog entry to encourage me to “hang in there” with the search for a mate and my interpreted frustrations as a single (as if I was that story book train trying to make it up the hill). I’m not really sure that he read my blog in context of everything else I’ve been writing...in fact, I’m not even sure that he read the blog at all, maybe just the title. My purpose in writing these single’s columns isn’t to whine about how tough it is to be “by myself.” Neither am I attempting to raise up a mob of singles sandwiched in “down with the institution of marriage” protest signs, and lined along the city sidewalks pumping their fists, and marching in rhythm to the praises to “single power.” I really hope I haven’t given that impression. If anything, I’ve wanted to make a point that there are many reasons to rejoice in singlehood... and likewise, there are a lot of reasons to rejoice in a solid marriage. I’ve also tried to really point out that people can smell of bad attitude and show of ugly disposition in either situation. Married men or women can complain about their spouses. Single folks can pout about how “there are no good guys” and how “nobody has asked them out” and how “it sucks to be single.” Of course, this goes two ways... both men and women can be guilty of woe-is-me-ism. What I don’t think some single individuals get is that people of the opposite sex are watching, and taking note, whether it appears that way or not. A stinky attitude overpowers the hot outfit, the striking smile, and the splash of designer perfume. You’re not going to get a good smart guy by complaining him into your life, nor broadcasting to the world how miserable you are being alone.

The Limburger Lady
I once met a girl (and no, it’s no one at my church / church group / Bible study, or any of my friends, or anyone I’ve dated, or anyone any of you would know... so don’t start surmising ...I guarantee it’s not you) who at first seemed to be kind and sweet and all those wonderful sugar and spice things. However, after hanging around her in a group on several occasions, I discovered that pretty much everything that came out of her mouth was negative. One of her gripes was that “everyone in her single’s group were getting married” and in her opinion “,that really sucked.” Initially, she seemed like someone I might be interested in, but my impression just grew sour with time. Now before I come across as being the judge, I will admit that on some occasions, my attitude has likewise been a dirty diaper overdue. None of us is perfect. What I’m obviously trying to say here is that there is no substitute for a good attitude, and a bad one can spoil everything else which might normally be good and appealing to a warm blooded male (or female).

I once heard a story about a man who was walking around suspecting that everyone else had B.O. or gas problems, but as it turns out, he had a smear of Limburger cheese on his upper lip! The problem wasn’t the people around him; it was him!! I don’t foresee any lady swooning over a man who wears the stench of a stale attitude and I can’t imagine that any guy would find himself obsessively fascinated with a girl who has the mouth of a morning radio talk show host dogging everything that comes across the desk.

Speed Waiting
I’ve never tried speed dating, but I know some people who have. These days, we as a society are blessed with fast food, drive-thru car washes, online automatic bill pay, and now the newest marvel of the millennium, the “hitched in 60 seconds” method of opposite sex acquaintance. (For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about...this is a dating service where you rotate between tables, getting to talk to each person for a minute or two. If you like someone, you get his/her number, and check off everyone else who doesn’t peak your interest).

I’m not going to say speed dating is a bad thing, and I won’t argue that going out and searching for a mate should be shamed. However, I do want to remind us all to reconsider the timeline of a God who is neither bound by minutes nor our impatience. There are many passages in the Bible which speak of “Waiting on the Lord.” (Ps. 5:3, 27:14, 33:20, 37:7, 37:34, 38:15, 40:1, 119:166, 130:5-6, Isa 8:17, 30:18, Lam 3:24, 3:26, Hos 12:6, Mic 7:7, Zeph 3:8, Acts 1:4, Rom 8:25,1 Cor 4:5, James 5:7, Jude 1:21) I had one friend tell me he met a woman who rushed into marriage at the ripe age of 22 because she thought she would “never get married” all to end up getting divorced a few years down the road. Good things don’t always come to those who wait (on this side of eternity), but I think better things do often accompany those who are willing to let flowers bloom.

There is no such thing as “speed waiting.” In fact, the very combination is a contradiction of terms. Maybe you will meet the person God wants you to be with for the rest of your life through a speed dating service. Who knows? Crazier things have happened, and have worked out. What I’m concentrating on is the condition of our heart attitudes. Are we practicing patience? There is no point in fighting to get what we want if God doesn’t want it for us. It’s easy to start believing that God owes us this or that. God really doesn’t owe us a thing, except Hell (as harsh as this may sound). You may save yourself sexually your entire life for that special person, and God may never give you the opportunity to get married. That would really be a drag, but it’s a reality. God may give you the desire to have children, but that might not be God’s will for your life, as much as you want it to be. These are difficult things to except. If you’re single, I’m right there with you. We are not guaranteed anything besides God’s unchanging love and His eternal reward to those who obey Him (and these are incredible reasons to rejoice).

The One String We Have
So how do we respond? We work to make Christ the center of our lives, and we allow Him to let everything else fall into place as He would have it. There is a simple yet profound Charles Swindoll quote posted above my bathroom mirror which reads, “

“The longer I live, the more realize the impact of attitude upon life. Attitude, to me, is more important than the past, than education, than money, than cirumstances, than failures, than what people think say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have... and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is ten percent what happens to me and ninety percent how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.”

Easier spoken, then followed...I know... but this should be our pursuit. Matt 6:33 says, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” God will meet our needs, and He knows what those needs are more than we ever could. Maybe you and I don’t have a need to be married (only a desire). However, the way I look at it, we also serve a God who not only provides us with what we need; He gives us what we don’t deserve and surprises us with blessings we were never expecting. So hang on my single friends... the little train may soon be clearing the top of the hill. If I remember correctly, that little train had a smile on his face the whole time.

Originally published September 26, 2006

The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 9

First Day on The Runway
I’d like to start this one off with an exert from an email I received from a good female friend of mine. (The below content is, of course, used with her permission.)

“I met this girl named Allison (substituted name) through a campus ministry. A humanities grad student who seems together strong and fun, at least until she starts to talk about dating. She launched into a discussion about this new book she read about how singles are being selfish and neglecting their obligation to get married. She is serious... and then she says "If a guy and a girl are Christians and both are looking to be married, what else matters? Isn't the rest details?" "Is it too much to want a guy who connects with what I am academically interested in? My mouth fell to the ground of the hippie academic coffee shop floor and I realized that I had once again entered the Christian dating twilight zone where all the mystery of who we are and what we love suddenly vanishes to reveal another dimension. She has already been on three dates. Its like girls have this vibe they emit saying I will marry the first guy who asks and cooks and cleans for himself. At least I am not interested in any guy in that dimension. But isn't it scary? It's like you could say, "Hey, I found the perfect girl for you. She is Christian and good-looking.” End of conversation.”

Wow. Scary is right. Some people just throw out the entire process of discovering “compatibility.” As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I think we need to be realistic and flexible when making our “lists.” Nevertheless, there is something to be said about having some standards when pursuing a mate. I can’t agree that a guy and girl are simply a good match just because they are both Christians (and are attracted to each other). I’ve met a lot of attractive Christian girls, but there’s often some catch... I don’t know, maybe that they’re two feet taller than me... or they are 15 years older than me... or they were raised as a spoiled child in a millionaire family and don’t know what it’s like to live with an audio producer’s salary... or they can’t stand rock music of any sort...or they drink all weekend and swear on their myspace site... or whatever... I think you get my point. We all have our limits. My friend above asks, "Is it too much to want a guy who connects with what I am academically interested in?” No, I don’t think it is. We need to understand who we are and what we’re looking for, all the while seeking God’s counsel.

Clear For Take-Off (But Unprepared for High Winds)
I’m not going to say it’s foolish for people to get married right out of high school, or half way through college... however, I’ve just noticed that many (not all) 20 year olds don’t really know who they are. Some of them just know they’re horny and they want to get married and put an end to that, end of story... or they desperately want to hold a baby of their own in their arms. Don’t get me wrong... I’m not saying these are bad desires in themselves (having children and/or having sex). I’m just questioning the notion that these longings are enough for two people to commit their entire lives to each other, all the while putting little thought into much else. I don’t think the main question here is whether certain people are old enough to be married. I think the bigger and more heavy question is “what is a couple’s motive for getting married?” As Christians, what should be our motives if we do decide to marry? I just wonder if some younger folks are so enraptured with pulsing endorphins that they can’t see straight enough to consider their own motives.

I certainly can’t tell you why certain folks get married, and the reality is, it is generally none of my business (nor is it yours). However, I’d like to throw a few possibilities out there. Some of these are my own assumptions, and some are ideas from friends or family.

Over Active Radars
As a guy, I think it would be fair to say that most guys get married at least partially for sex. Some Christian guys have this idea that “things get easier” when you are married, and from talking to older married men, I’ve discovered that wisdom will tell you the temptations only get more complicated and difficult after the marriage vows. I think some guys have this mindset that marriage will solve their lust issues (however those issues express themselves). Some people will use the verse, “It is better to marry than to burn” (I Cor. 7:9) as a motivator for young people to get married. I do think this verse has its place, especially if two people have been dating for a long while, and the temptations are getting more and more challenging to combat. However, I don’t think this verse is Paul’s exhortment for horny young men to go find the first attractive Christian girl and marry her. I’m sure a woman would feel real special if she knew that was your road map.

As a side note, I want to send a kudos out to all the Godly men who aren’t looking at marriage as some “outlet,” but as a way to truly love and encourage another human being to be what God has created her to be. I think the tough reality is we just have to strive to be pure, and that is always going to be tough whether you’re married or not. If you’re “holding out for marriage,” (seeing it as some answer to your impulses) you might be in for a rude awakening when you wake up some day and your wife just isn’t “interested” when you really wish she was. Guys, we all know it’s a struggle in the world we live in... but from what I can understand, there is no substitute for a woman who really loves you.

She's Got a Ticket To Fly
I really can’t speak for the women, but I sense that a lot of women are seeking security in a stable relationship, a home, and children... all of which are incredible gifts from God. However, like anything, these can become idols such that they become seemingly more important than God’s will. I’m not going to say that all 20 year old women (or men) don’t know who they are (or what they want, or what they're willing to commit to) ... that would be a serious blanket statement which would certainly get me in trouble... what I will say is that I’ve seen some examples of younger women who don’t know what they want to do with their lives, so they marry, assuming that is what they should do. A couple years later, they realize that marriage is a bigger responsibility than they had first anticipated, and change their minds and end up chasing careers or other unhealthy relationships which are “more exciting,” all the while leaving their current marriages in shambles. Again, please understand I’m not saying that age is necessarily the issue here. Immaturity is the suspect at hand. Some women I’ve known have married (or have shacked up with a boyfriend) just to run away from their parents, or some troubling situation in their lives. That is a madday waiting to happen.

In Case of an Emergency
Marriage should never be looked to as a solution. It is a huge responsibility, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. It is not a quick fix. If we have addictions or broken relationships in our lives, it is best that we start taking care of those concerns before we ever walk down the white aisle of matrimony. If you have trouble with authority, you’ll mostly likely struggle with that in marriage. If you have problems with lust or alcohol or drugs or shopping... that ugliness will be starring you in the face across the pillow the morning after your honeymoon night.

In light of all this, I want to consider the prospect of patience, forgiveness, and the concept of “bearing with one another.” We are all screwed up. If you don’t have one problem, you have another. I heard a story of a middle aged man and woman who were good friends and had been dating for 10 years. For such a long time, they just weren’t sure about the relationship, and after 10 years, they decided it was time to say “I do.” After marrying, the woman mentioned that after all the apprehensions, she wished that they had alternately been married much sooner. Sometimes, fear can lead you to miss great opportunities.

Breath Normally
If you’re waiting until you’re perfect or until you find the perfect person, you’ll probably never get married. There has to be a balance. You've got to have some standards, you have to be realistic, and you need to be willing to ask the tough questions. If you are wanting to be married, what are your motives? Also, are you aware of your issues and are you cleaning those closets now? Where are you with God? Are you asking Him to mold you into what He wants you to be instead of looking to marriage as your fast jet out?

You can only take so much baggage on the plane before it crashes and burns.

Originally published November 5, 2006

The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 10

A number of blogs ago, I mentioned that Chapter 10 might be my last installment of the “The Art of Singlehood.” However, suprisingly, I am finding more and more issues to discuss as my wealth of singlehood knowledge increases (yet I still don’t have a girlfriend... funny how that works. It’s like the expert coach who cheers the players on from the sideline, but never steps into the game himself out of fear he will re-damage his once torn hamstring.) Maybe she’s reading me my blog right now. Let’s hope.

Green Screens and Computer WizBang
I don’t know about you, but I always enjoy watching the extras on a DVD. However, in many cases, the extras are a joke... where there’s only a 3 minute mini documentary about the making of the movie... and then all the other extras are previews for other movies, or the trailer for the movie you just saw (that never made sense to me). By now, I imagine most of us are dull skulled when it comes to seeing CGI (computer generated) dinosaurs and aliens. After Jurassic Park and Toy Story, the amazement of computer imagery sort of began losing much of its wonder. As budgets have become larger and animation computers have became faster, more and more movie scenes have been filmed in front of green screens where the actors are interacting with a puppet on a stick instead of the fierce saliva dripping screeching beast later to be inserted in post production. I still was not terribly impressed with the lastest 3 episodes of Star Wars. After all the glittering cities and swooping space crafts, there was still little story line and convincing human interaction. I mean, the visual aspects were stunning, but it feels like more and more movie dollars are going into the pockets of young recently graduated film school CG geniuses (and some that aren’t that young) instead of writers composing characters and emotion and plot and conflict and resolve. I’d rather have a good story line any day compared to an exploding apocalypse with rocket launching humanoids and toddler level one liners. But that’s just me.

Where Have All The Good Stories Gone?
Many a critic will praise such writers as Alfred Hitchcock who could keep an audience gripping their soda-stickied seats for hours as suspense-lathered plots twisted and turned with disconcerting precision, all without the crutches of virtual monsters and freeze framed kick boxing (aka The Matrix). Storytelling. What happened to storytelling? Early BC camel-skinned robed men sat in circles and painted tales of ghosts and zombies with no sound track except that of a crackling fire and a hushed fear of those who listened. Jesus held the attention of 1000’s of people all without the mood alterations of dimmed lights, candles, and droning synthesizer pads.

So, what in the world does all this have to do with singlehood? Well, like a good story, relationships involve evolution and mystery and unexpected turns. I could try to sit here and dissect all the technical elements of say, Lord of the Rings, yet I miss the whole point if I never purchase a buttery overpriced cup of popcorn and sit in a packed theatre on opening night and take in the larger-than-life finished experience carefully orchestrated by the producer and director. The purpose of most movies is to evoke an emotion and/or a response. Michael Moore wanted to make George Bush look like an idiot in Fahrenheit 9/11 (and no, I’m not slamming the president... this blog is not and will not be a political boxing ring) and Morgan Spurlock wanted you to think twice before picking up a McDonald’s cheeseburger after watching his SuperSize Me. However, handing you an outline of each of those movies would not fully communicate the points intended by the authors. Likewise, describing the instruments used in a new song would hardly bring a tear to your eye. Some things cannot be embodied through facts and figures. Not so with movies. Certainly not for music. And yes, likewise, love and the attraction between two people cannot be formulated and measured with pie charts and beaker comparisons.

How Adam and Eve Eat Oreas
Men and women are different. I know you probably didn’t know that. No, hold the money...you can pay me after the session. Seriously though. Guys and girls approach relationships differently. Think of the relationship as an oreo. With glazed over eyes, many guys often want to eat the cream filling right away, and you’ll find many a man peeling off the cookie layers like a sugar crazed 10 year old, while many a woman will sit with a cup of irish tea, slowly nibbling on the chocolate coverings of the oreo while casually chatting with her girlfriend about how so and so can’t seem to keep an oreo. Generally, girls like to admire and discuss the trees along the trip, while guys often want to drive fast with their eyes on the ultimate goal... sex or marriage... or whatever. Generally, guys like to fix things, and girls like talk about things that are broken. You can argue that men are pigs or that women just want to yap and never do anything, but after all the bickering and name calling, men and women are different and I’m thinking that’s the way God intended it. Men tend to be more goal oriented. I’ve talked to some married men who have said they actually felt like they had “conquered a woman” on their wedding day... that is if, getting married was an obstacle to overcome. The sad reality is, some men don’t seem to understand that marriage is just the beginning, not the destination, and not the bull's eye. I think the bull’s eye would be staying faithful to your wife year in and year out, loving her, listening to her, and making her feel special even when you are bored and would rather be out with the guys.

So, we could just keep discussing how opposite men and women are, but I’ll leave that to the Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus of the world. My point here is this... there is something strange and peculiar about how two totally varied individuals can be drawn towards each other. The magnet is a good illustration. Opposites attract.... or at least that’s the way it’s supposed to work, according to God’s plan (but not always according to our tolerent-of-everything-except-Jesus society). Love is a mystery. True love between a man and woman is unexplainable.

Spreadsheet Sweetie
I’ve known guys who have documented their girlfriends on paper. They’ve reduced their love for a girl to a list of qualities and tendencies on a computer screen. I guess “reduced” is a strong word here... but from a woman’s perspective (from what I understand), she feels “reduced” or "de-humanized" when she is “spec’d out.” When I buy audio gear, I study it up and down. I try to figure out if it’s compatible with everything else I am using. Software is the worst. There are so many companies making stuff, and sometimes they don’t talk to each other about upgrades, or they just want to be stubborn or different or more accurately, they probably want to have a monopoly on a nitch market. However, a woman is not a piece of audio gear. She is not simple nor predictable nor stuck in time. Same thing with a man. We are people, and we change, and adapt, and we screw up. If my new keyboard “screws up,” I take it back to Guitar Center. If my girlfriend or wife makes a mistake, I forgive her (or at least I should). So, though I am speaking to both guys and girls here, I am probably aiming more of this exhortation towards the testosterone in this equation. Sometimes, we guys have to put stuff on paper. Often, we can’t process information using mostly emotions and intuition or feelings... we’ve got to kick the tires and look at the comparison chart and add up the costs and profits... and I think that is such bizarre (and sometimes insulting) thinking to women. Any Godly guy is hopefully working through this tendency and is learning to respect his lady’s need for spontaneity and romance... and hopefully, a Godly girl will do her best to respect and understand that men just aren’t wired the same. If the world was made of just guys, there’d be no beauty and everyone would probably be insensitive and unkempt and one tracked minded, and we’d probably all listen to Metallica and never use silverware. If the world was made of all women, well, for this one... I’ll let you fill in the blanks.

Back to the Movies
So let’s bring it all back around. Like a good movie, every relationship has its suspense, change, and unpredictability.... and if we walk with God, we can be sure that though there be adjustment and struggle, any God-centered relationship is going to have a great ending (whether it be here or in eternity). Any guy who thinks he’s got a women figured out because of carefully studied spreadsheets will be sorely disappointed when he wakes up someday and the Excel document has been updated overnight without him knowing it... and to his surprise, his girlfriend or wife has suddenly changed the rules. Guys, learn to adapt. Put down the spreadsheet and back away. Women, give us a break and realize that we still love you even if we have to use a cheat sheet to figure out why. We are used to reasoning everything out. You are used to chemicals that are foreign to our blood stream... but we like your chemicals. And with that, I think I’m going to go watch a Tyrannosaurus Rex rip the head off a Raptor.

Originally published December 16, 2006

The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 11

This blog is inspired by several conversations I’ve had recently with guys struggling with the prospect of bearing their hearts to other people, especially those of the opposite sex. I think I can relate. It’s been my observation that most people become exponentially cautious with age. The more you’ve been hurt, the more likely it is that you start looking like the snail who’s been taunted one too many times by the little boy with the twig. Where are you in this respect?

It’s Not Good For Man To Be Alone
In many men, there is a streak of independence... whether it’s the drive to go on a solo weekend mountain climbing adventure (ala John Eldredge)... or the tendency to withdraw from the help of other people “because I can do it better myself.” Women generally thrive on community and talking and sharing. I am told this is where they are refueled and where they gravitate for support. Men are more likely to pull away from others... because they don’t feel like they relate to other men, or because they’re ashamed of their issues and they don’t want anyone to get close enough to see the issues, or they find it easier to deal with emotions by burying them under heavy work loads or isolated distractions.

I’m at an interesting place right now in my life. My job is all consuming. I am gone weeks at a time, and though I enjoy what I am doing, I really feel like something is missing in my life... I’ve concluded that my greatest deficiency lies in community. If you are a guy, especially in your later 20’s and upwards, you may be where I am. I’ve known some guys who have withdrawn further and further away from people over time, with little hope of resurfacing. I, on the other hand, am seeking... or at least wanting deeper relationships... I’m actually very tired of being independent. Granted, I need my space at times, but I also realize that I need to be spending more quality time around people that I trust. With this comes the willingness to trust other people.

Have You Thrown Away The Key?
This brings me to the issue of “Guarding Your Heart.” I had an ex-girlfriend who used this phrase a lot (while we were dating), so much so that I gathered she really didn’t trust me. Her goal was to guard her heart whenever possible. Although I think it is important to be careful who you give your heart to, I also believe there comes a time when you have to just abandon your inhibitions and let someone see you for who you are. That can be tough, but it’s the only way a true friendship and relationship can form. Certainly, there is pacing, but this unveiling needs to happen at some point.

Have you been hurt? I know I have been. I dated the girl mentioned above for only four months, and it took me nearly two years to get over the heartache. It was the first relationship ever in which I opened up completely. That was a long time ago, so I’ve healed, and I’ve long since moved on. However, like a Vietnam vet, I still have war flashbacks. The thought of giving my heart to someone now bears a serious weight, one which I never knew as an early 20 year old. You may be where I am.

I Can’t Remember My User Name And Password
How does one who’s been hurt come back to a place of trusting another human being with his/her deepest fears and desires? When was the last time you used your heart? Is it like an old email account which you’ve forgotten how to get into? I wish I had an easy solution here. What I will say is this. I believe we have to be completely intimate with God before we understand what it means to be intimate with another human being. We have to believe that God is big enough to repair us if another faulted sinner tramples our most precious of all assets, our hearts. In a popular ColdPlay song, Chris Martin coos, “What if you should decide that you don’t want me there by your side/What if you should decide that you don’t want me there in your life/...Every step that you take could be your biggest mistake/It could bend or it could break/But that’s the risk that you take/...How will you know if you don’t even try.” There is no such thing as relationship without risk.

The Well-Adjusted Single
If you are like me, you are trapped in a dichotomy of thinking. Some days, I’m pretty certain I can make it on my own. I start believing that God wants me to be single, so I try to figure out how to suck it up and be strong enough to deal with life alone. Other days, I collapse under the thought that maybe a man is in fact incomplete without a woman, and I should be looking more fervishly. Then, when I have no success, I go back to a place where I think I’m supposed to figure out how to make it on my own. Then, I get lonely, and I start feeling pathetic, and then I start looking again. What a ridiculous cycle. Some couples seem to meet so easily. High school sweethearts. Missions trip romances. Friend-of-a-friend, married-within-4-months fantasy stories. For some of us, it hasn’t been easy. For some reason, we’re still alone. Either because we’re too picky or we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, or because... well, God wants us to be a single. How do we end this cycle? How do we become well adjusted and stable singles, completely relient on God and satisfied with His will?

I Can’t Handle It Anymore
We have to trust that God is all knowing. Maybe your best friend needed to be married for some reason. Maybe she wouldn’t be able to make it to 35 as a single. Maybe God knew you could. As I Corinthians 10 says, “God will not give us anything we can’t handle.” You and I have to believe that God has empowered us to be victorious singles. Maybe you are alone because God has given you the strength to be alone, although you may not realize it. Maybe you can get over the fact that you don’t have kids, and you can really pour into your friends’ children. Maybe you won’t die without sex... maybe it’s actually possible to be pure in a world where abstaining is counter culture. The battles we face as singles are extremely challenging... there is no doubt about it... but determining on our own that we can’t make it any longer in the single war zone is blatant distrust in God. I encourage you, single friend, hang on... not with hope that you’re going to meet your human soul mate... we should not place such demands upon a God who owes us nothing. Instead, we must abandon the dreamy honeymoons, the romantic dinners, the picket fences, the beautiful children, and all the idols which masquerade as status quo ... and lay our fragile and fickle hearts at the feet of the One who knows more about and cares more about our hearts than we ever will.

“O Sovereign LORD, my strong deliverer, who shields my head in the day of battle.” Psalm 140:7

Originally published March 2, 2007

The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 12

Scalpels and Stitches
I have quite a few cherished memories from my high school days in the science lab. The smell of formaldehyde. The chatter of students wearing plastic glasses and starched white coats. The painted skeleton in the corner...the cabinet of explosive elements... the incubator of mating fleas. And with this, I can’t forget the one story of my friend who’s misfortunate of the school morning was getting stabbed in the butt with a scalpel. I’m not sure how many stitches he had to get at the hospital, and I’m still a bit hazy on why his prankster classmate didn’t foresee the danger of sticking sharp blades in the rear ends of friends. Good times indeed. And while we reminisce, I mustn’t fail to mention the joy found by my lab partner and me as we named our dissected pig, gave him a fake cigar, and made him talk like Sean Connery. That was a hoot. And of course, there’s that one chemistry class when my teacher combined the wrong elements and both ignited and shattered a beaker with flames and fanfare. Yes, there is something exhilarating about mixing a couple chemicals together and then waiting to see what happens.

I Don’t Think The Chemistry Is There
I have to make a confession. I’m trying eHarmony again. I’ve probably subscribed to the service on about three occasions over the last five years. Along with this, over the last five years, I’ve made two significant trips to meet Christian women... one interest took me to Florida, and another landed me in Cleveland, Mississippi. Crazy. I must be out of my mind. I’ve now resorted to only starting conversations with people who live within the surrounding states and counties.

Some of you understand the complexities of on-line dating. Potentials can turn out to be completely different when you meet she/he in person. Some girls will post five year old pictures of themselves, and will fail to mention that they now look like another person. What’s up with that? One of the strangest things about online dating is the fact that you totally bypass all your standard forms of first impressions. You can’t observe that person’s body language, you have no idea if the girl’s voice is an octave lower than your own, you can’t accurately access physically attraction, and you can’t gauge personality the same way you could if, as an example, you had a face to face conversation at a coffee shop, or ran into that person at church. On-line dating certainly has its risks, but isn’t this true of every type of relationship?

Of course, there are also benefits to online dating. Not only is it simplified by being a prearranged and often accelerated process, it offers you the possibility of meeting A LOT of different people. With this, you also need to get used to rejections, and accustomed to seemingly made-in-heaven matches which begin the process of conversing, and then just fall off the face of the map, and fail to ever respond again after the first couple interactions. Along this unchartable path, I’ve had girls request communication, and I’ve also had hundreds of girls turn me down, with such reasons as, “I think the physical distance between us is too great,” “Based on the statements in their profile, I am not interested in this match, “ “I am pursuing another match, “ “I don’t think the chemistry is there, “ and my favorite ambiguity, “Other.”

Chemistry can mean so many things. For some people, to say “I don’t think the chemistry is there” is code for “I wish you looked more like somebody on The O.C.” I suppose I respect someone for being honest, although when you’re on the receiving end, it is a bit hurtful to the ego. Although I agree that chemistry involves physical attraction, I would argue that it is multi dimensional and involves the cohesiveness of two personalities. I once went out with a girl who didn’t get any of my jokes. Whenever I attempted to be funny, my dry sarcasm was mistaken for the literal. Laughs were replaced with explaining and backtracking. We just didn’t connect, in humor, and in a lot of other ways. Whether in opposites or similarities, there needs to be a connection. Beyond the pheromones and the way she looks in that dress, there’s a much deeper mystery behind what attracts two individuals to one another. I’ve always been told that YOU WILL KNOW when you finally meet THE ONE. I’ve thought I’ve known a couple times for sure. This has led me to be rather untrusting of my own 20/10 instincts, but I continue to believe that GOD will make it extraordinarily clear when I finally meet Mrs. Andre (and much of this may be reflected in the anomaly that she is likewise just as convinced). My philosophy continues to be that “it only takes one.” If 10,000 girls find me boring and uninteresting, there will be one who likes me and gets me (and I will likewise get her, and will find her uncanningly attractive). Whoever and wherever she is, she’s the one I’m holding out for.

The Two Trees of Dating and Friendship
The other day, I was chewing on the idea of friendship and how it pertains to romantic relationships. I don’t think there can really be lasting chemistry in a relationship unless there is tested friendship. When I look back over my life, I find that all my closest friends are old friends, friends who have walked with me through the thick and thin. New quality friendships are developing, but for me, the deepest bonds are with those friends I’ve known for a while. I also find that the majority of my close friendships just sort of happened. I never pushed those friendships. I never said to myself, “wow, I would really like to get to know Dave better.” All of my close friendships just fell into place naturally and without much premeditation. In light of this, dating and friendship seem to often fall from separate trees. Now that I’m in my 30’s, dating feels even more contrived and ackward. In an ideal world, I wouldn’t ask a girl out on a date until I’ve spent some unattached time with her, getting to know her in a group, and observing her from the outside. However, this can be challenging, especially if you’re hoping to meet your significant other in a church single’s group. I’ve found that for every girl I’ve been potentially interested in, there are 3-4 other guys (sometimes the same guys over and over) who are likewise enamoured with the poor unsuspecting female. The reason I know other guys are interested in the same girls I’ve been interested in? They tell me! (Conversations begin with, “Please pray for me, I totally want to ask out so-and-so. What do you think of her?”) This has happened several times over the last year. For this guy, the prospect of getting to know a girl “from the outside” is like waiting until Christmas Eve to buy Tickle-Me-Elmo, or Play Station 3, or the iPhone (or the like). I hate to make mate selection sound completely clinical, but when you’re in the beaker of Christian singles groups, you have to be extremely pro-active in your research and pursuit. Obviously, in the end, the woman will decide who she truly likes, and it may not be the first contestant. While shooing off the annoying male vultures, she may have her eye on a completely separate bird. Hopefully, he carries the confidence to fly in among the carnivores.

Dissecting The Dating Conundrum
How can you really develop a true friendship with a woman if you feel rushed and pushed, and if you feel this pressure of being competitive with other guys around you? I’ve come to the conclusion that in most cases, you have to develop that friendship after asking that girl out (but if you ask too soon, you run the risk of not being sure yourself if you are %100 interested). At least for me, the perfect situation of getting to know a girl through missions trips, community projects, and church worship teams is close to fairy tale. Certainly, I can get to know different women through these various activities, but it’s challenging to do that, knowing that Bob and Larry and Moe all are also watching this girl, finalizing their resolve, and working up their courage to ask her out (and if odds have it, they’ll beat me to it). I wonder if most women are even aware of this dynamic. Maybe some women do see the competing interests, and enjoy working the floor. Other women might feel like a piece of meat if they knew 3-4 guys were on the observation deck. Dating seems so stupid and juvenile and overly complex and daunting at times.

So how does a well meaning Christian guy develop with a girl a lasting friendship leading towards marriage? This proposition seems to require a keen sense of timing, an acute awareness for mutuality, and a tank-armored immunity towards rejection... all this with unpretentious and collected delivery. Wow. What happened to the days when a guy and girl just fell in love?

As Christians, we have to believe that God is in control. He knew that my parents would marry, He knew that I would be their child, and He knew I would be writing this blog you are reading right now. He knew you before time began, He watched you as you were woven together in the secret place of your mother’s womb. He knows who my children will be (if they will be), He can see me playing catch with my five year old son ten years from now. He knows who my son’s sons and daughters will be. He also knows if I won’t ever marry.

Right now, I’m sitting on the front porch of our family’s cabin in Upper Peninsula Michigan. The trees are rustling with a cool breeze and there is a light ripple on the lake down by our dock. I have really felt God working on my heart the last couple days. How we struggle with surrendering our lives to the Lord. How often we complain about what we don’t have, and whine about what we think we should have. How quickly we want to turn the current page and read the next chapter. Despite these tendencies, I’m finding more and more that God isn’t found in the huge drama or in the surprise endings, but in the suspense and uneasiness of the page turn itself. I’ve had a lot of questions about my own faith recently, and I’ve seriously struggled with the reality that God loves me and is truly at the back of this thread cacophony, weaving together a beautiful colorful work of art.

We have to remember that God is not only an artist, but a skilled writer weaving our multiple unseemingly disconnected stories into a triumphant and breath taking ending. He is constantly working and intersecting our lives, whether we are aware of it or not. The search for a mate can be overwhelming and discouraging (and probably potentially insignificant in the light of eternity), but His plans are not our own own. We never know what a day may bring. We serve a God full of surprises. You may consider your singlehood fate, but chemistry and the will of God are not always predictable. As the ad says, “Life comes at you fast.” One average morning, cupid may find you startled with shattered beakers of scepticism on the floor, and a heart shaped scalpel in your rear end.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God prepared for those who love Him.” I Cor 2:9

Originally published July 15, 2007

The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 13

Lawn Chairs and Canoes
A number of summers ago, my parents joined my uncles and aunts at our family’s beloved Piatt Lake in Upper Peninsula Michigan for a week of “no kids allowed” wilderness trouble making. At the time, my dad was just recovering from a leg injury, which for months had required him to wear a special cast-like boot designed to prevent further damage. Fortunately, about a week before the trip, the doctor gave him the ok to remove the RoboCop-esque sweat stained boot which by then was despised with a passion.

It was a beautiful day on the lake, and three wise and distinctly aged gentlemen had one thing on their minds - fishing. With the ambition of grade school boys at a frog pond, my dad and my two uncles decided that they would test their hook and reel skills in my uncle’s narrow orange eye-shaped canoe. There was only one problem. My dad was a bit uncomfortable sitting in the vessel’s low middle seat (with his senstive leg)... so they opted for the next brightest idea... a lawn chair. Yes, that’s right... a lawn chair in a canoe. Must have seemed like a good idea at the time. So, here they were sitting out in the glistening lake, fishing poles in hand, one uncle in the front seat, one in the back, and in the middle, my dad propped high and dignified in a green meshed lawn chair. Also laying in the boat was a medium sized plastic basin eagerly awaiting the catch of the day.

The Michigan sun beamed down on tranquil waters as three sixty something year old boys sat patiently... one in the front, one in the back, and one in the middle... in a lawn chair. Then, it happened. My dad felt a sudden and animated tug on his line and the words exploded from his mouth, “I’ve got something!!!” My two uncles were ecstatic. With wide eyes, my dad started winding in his prize, and my uncles began preparing the basin. Uncle Errol (in the front) handed the basin to Uncle Larry (in the back) and suddenly, the unimaginable happened (ok, you could have guessed it like a poorly executed suspense plot), the vessel began losing its narrow centered balance. Then, in a slow motion dream sequence, with hands in the air, my dad and my two uncles tipped back, and like synchronized swimmers, plunged into the once still waters with a momentous splash. It is a story that they all still laugh about today.

Survival of The Fibbess
“Funny,” you may say, “but what in world does that story have to do with relationships and singlehood?” Stick with me. Unlike much of the world, my job hours are shifted slightly forward in that I don’t have to be to work until about 10:00 am. With this, I’ll occasionally flip on the tv only to catch programming which I am guessing is aimed at mothers and housewives. I promise, I don’t make it a habit of watching television geared towards women, but last week, I happened to catch a few minutes of a disturbing female focused interview on The Today Show. The topic at hand was lying, and its place in relationships. The guest author had quite the interesting views on the subject. She explained to the host that women are raised to lie as a means of survival. She then went on to explain that lying is ok, just as long as it doesn’t become “compound lying” in which someone has to lie to cover other lies. According to this show’s guest, it is perfectly ok for a wife to tell her husband that she “loves the necklace he gave her” when deep inside, she really thinks it is hideous. LIkewise, it is just as acceptable for a mother to lie to her children if additional information will cause more harm than good. The author further explained that women are bent towards pleasing and are taught from a young age “not to rock the boat” (like my uncles and dad did in the silly story above), even if that costs them their integrity. Wow. As I turned off the tv to leave for work, I wasn’t sure what to think about that interview. I understood the author’s proposed dilemma of “keeping the peace” but I also found myself wrestling with the Biblical definitions of truth and honesty and the relational ideals of trust and intimacy which somehow seemed to clash with this lady’s worldview.

The Piggy Bank of Trust
I once heard that friendships (and guy/girl relationships) are like a piggy bank. Every relationship is built and enhanced through many small deposits. A deposit could be a kind word, a small gift, a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on. Most of us probably aren’t conscience of all the deposits we are making in others’ lives. Deposits help to develop trust in a relationship while withdraws can cause emotional strain, even more so when the account balance is low to start with.

In relationships, withdraws aren’t always necessarily bad, but they need to be out weighed with deposits. A withdraw could come in the asking of an inconvenient favor (like asking for a ride), or it could surface in a confrontation over a pet peeve (putting the toilet seat down). It’s ok to bring up issues that cause tension as long as the rubberband still has thickness and elasticity to it. If a man is insensitive towards his wive’s schedule, he shouldn’t be surprised when she is irritated that he wants to go out and spend a night with the guys. If a woman is nit picky towards her husband, he will probably eventually just tune her out. However, if she is generally loving and respectful towards him, he will probably be more responsive when she mentions that it bothers her when he doesn’t roll the toothpaste tube from the bottom.

You May Not Tip The Boat, But You May Sink It Slowly
I want to bring this all back around to honesty. Are white lies unavoidable in relationships? Is dishonesty in fact an acceptable and necessary means to survival... or is this view simply a cop out from further vulnerability and deeper communication? Certainly, this is quite a controversial issue, and I don’t think I have all the answers here, but it seems to me that lying would be a form of withdraw, like a chisel to the base of a relationship’s foundation, namely trust. What do you think? Do you believe that every lie negatively affects a relationship? Certainly, it’s not practical to always tell the truth, but is it right? What if your wife knew that you actually thought those jeans do in fact make her look fat? Is there a way to answer truthfully without offending? What if your husband could see what you really felt about that gift he worked so hard to get for you? Could you be honest yet simultaneously show your appreciation? How honest should a couple be with each other? Can the cloak of self-survival and the glass of true intimacy coexist?

Where are you in your relationships? Are you making more deposits than you're demanding withdraws? Are you affording the ground work for those painful misunderstandings and ideal shattering disagreements which will bring you closer together? Are you so busy protecting yourself that you no longer even see the needs of that other person? Are you so set on pulling money out that you've forgotten what it means to invest?

I wonder if many couples constantly live in selfish fear of “rocking the boat” when in fact, they’re missing the laughter and enjoyment that comes with plunging into a warm and tested lake of deeper closeness.

Originally published March 18, 2008