The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 10

A number of blogs ago, I mentioned that Chapter 10 might be my last installment of the “The Art of Singlehood.” However, suprisingly, I am finding more and more issues to discuss as my wealth of singlehood knowledge increases (yet I still don’t have a girlfriend... funny how that works. It’s like the expert coach who cheers the players on from the sideline, but never steps into the game himself out of fear he will re-damage his once torn hamstring.) Maybe she’s reading me my blog right now. Let’s hope.

Green Screens and Computer WizBang
I don’t know about you, but I always enjoy watching the extras on a DVD. However, in many cases, the extras are a joke... where there’s only a 3 minute mini documentary about the making of the movie... and then all the other extras are previews for other movies, or the trailer for the movie you just saw (that never made sense to me). By now, I imagine most of us are dull skulled when it comes to seeing CGI (computer generated) dinosaurs and aliens. After Jurassic Park and Toy Story, the amazement of computer imagery sort of began losing much of its wonder. As budgets have become larger and animation computers have became faster, more and more movie scenes have been filmed in front of green screens where the actors are interacting with a puppet on a stick instead of the fierce saliva dripping screeching beast later to be inserted in post production. I still was not terribly impressed with the lastest 3 episodes of Star Wars. After all the glittering cities and swooping space crafts, there was still little story line and convincing human interaction. I mean, the visual aspects were stunning, but it feels like more and more movie dollars are going into the pockets of young recently graduated film school CG geniuses (and some that aren’t that young) instead of writers composing characters and emotion and plot and conflict and resolve. I’d rather have a good story line any day compared to an exploding apocalypse with rocket launching humanoids and toddler level one liners. But that’s just me.

Where Have All The Good Stories Gone?
Many a critic will praise such writers as Alfred Hitchcock who could keep an audience gripping their soda-stickied seats for hours as suspense-lathered plots twisted and turned with disconcerting precision, all without the crutches of virtual monsters and freeze framed kick boxing (aka The Matrix). Storytelling. What happened to storytelling? Early BC camel-skinned robed men sat in circles and painted tales of ghosts and zombies with no sound track except that of a crackling fire and a hushed fear of those who listened. Jesus held the attention of 1000’s of people all without the mood alterations of dimmed lights, candles, and droning synthesizer pads.

So, what in the world does all this have to do with singlehood? Well, like a good story, relationships involve evolution and mystery and unexpected turns. I could try to sit here and dissect all the technical elements of say, Lord of the Rings, yet I miss the whole point if I never purchase a buttery overpriced cup of popcorn and sit in a packed theatre on opening night and take in the larger-than-life finished experience carefully orchestrated by the producer and director. The purpose of most movies is to evoke an emotion and/or a response. Michael Moore wanted to make George Bush look like an idiot in Fahrenheit 9/11 (and no, I’m not slamming the president... this blog is not and will not be a political boxing ring) and Morgan Spurlock wanted you to think twice before picking up a McDonald’s cheeseburger after watching his SuperSize Me. However, handing you an outline of each of those movies would not fully communicate the points intended by the authors. Likewise, describing the instruments used in a new song would hardly bring a tear to your eye. Some things cannot be embodied through facts and figures. Not so with movies. Certainly not for music. And yes, likewise, love and the attraction between two people cannot be formulated and measured with pie charts and beaker comparisons.

How Adam and Eve Eat Oreas
Men and women are different. I know you probably didn’t know that. No, hold the money...you can pay me after the session. Seriously though. Guys and girls approach relationships differently. Think of the relationship as an oreo. With glazed over eyes, many guys often want to eat the cream filling right away, and you’ll find many a man peeling off the cookie layers like a sugar crazed 10 year old, while many a woman will sit with a cup of irish tea, slowly nibbling on the chocolate coverings of the oreo while casually chatting with her girlfriend about how so and so can’t seem to keep an oreo. Generally, girls like to admire and discuss the trees along the trip, while guys often want to drive fast with their eyes on the ultimate goal... sex or marriage... or whatever. Generally, guys like to fix things, and girls like talk about things that are broken. You can argue that men are pigs or that women just want to yap and never do anything, but after all the bickering and name calling, men and women are different and I’m thinking that’s the way God intended it. Men tend to be more goal oriented. I’ve talked to some married men who have said they actually felt like they had “conquered a woman” on their wedding day... that is if, getting married was an obstacle to overcome. The sad reality is, some men don’t seem to understand that marriage is just the beginning, not the destination, and not the bull's eye. I think the bull’s eye would be staying faithful to your wife year in and year out, loving her, listening to her, and making her feel special even when you are bored and would rather be out with the guys.

So, we could just keep discussing how opposite men and women are, but I’ll leave that to the Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus of the world. My point here is this... there is something strange and peculiar about how two totally varied individuals can be drawn towards each other. The magnet is a good illustration. Opposites attract.... or at least that’s the way it’s supposed to work, according to God’s plan (but not always according to our tolerent-of-everything-except-Jesus society). Love is a mystery. True love between a man and woman is unexplainable.

Spreadsheet Sweetie
I’ve known guys who have documented their girlfriends on paper. They’ve reduced their love for a girl to a list of qualities and tendencies on a computer screen. I guess “reduced” is a strong word here... but from a woman’s perspective (from what I understand), she feels “reduced” or "de-humanized" when she is “spec’d out.” When I buy audio gear, I study it up and down. I try to figure out if it’s compatible with everything else I am using. Software is the worst. There are so many companies making stuff, and sometimes they don’t talk to each other about upgrades, or they just want to be stubborn or different or more accurately, they probably want to have a monopoly on a nitch market. However, a woman is not a piece of audio gear. She is not simple nor predictable nor stuck in time. Same thing with a man. We are people, and we change, and adapt, and we screw up. If my new keyboard “screws up,” I take it back to Guitar Center. If my girlfriend or wife makes a mistake, I forgive her (or at least I should). So, though I am speaking to both guys and girls here, I am probably aiming more of this exhortation towards the testosterone in this equation. Sometimes, we guys have to put stuff on paper. Often, we can’t process information using mostly emotions and intuition or feelings... we’ve got to kick the tires and look at the comparison chart and add up the costs and profits... and I think that is such bizarre (and sometimes insulting) thinking to women. Any Godly guy is hopefully working through this tendency and is learning to respect his lady’s need for spontaneity and romance... and hopefully, a Godly girl will do her best to respect and understand that men just aren’t wired the same. If the world was made of just guys, there’d be no beauty and everyone would probably be insensitive and unkempt and one tracked minded, and we’d probably all listen to Metallica and never use silverware. If the world was made of all women, well, for this one... I’ll let you fill in the blanks.

Back to the Movies
So let’s bring it all back around. Like a good movie, every relationship has its suspense, change, and unpredictability.... and if we walk with God, we can be sure that though there be adjustment and struggle, any God-centered relationship is going to have a great ending (whether it be here or in eternity). Any guy who thinks he’s got a women figured out because of carefully studied spreadsheets will be sorely disappointed when he wakes up someday and the Excel document has been updated overnight without him knowing it... and to his surprise, his girlfriend or wife has suddenly changed the rules. Guys, learn to adapt. Put down the spreadsheet and back away. Women, give us a break and realize that we still love you even if we have to use a cheat sheet to figure out why. We are used to reasoning everything out. You are used to chemicals that are foreign to our blood stream... but we like your chemicals. And with that, I think I’m going to go watch a Tyrannosaurus Rex rip the head off a Raptor.

Originally published December 16, 2006