The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 11

This blog is inspired by several conversations I’ve had recently with guys struggling with the prospect of bearing their hearts to other people, especially those of the opposite sex. I think I can relate. It’s been my observation that most people become exponentially cautious with age. The more you’ve been hurt, the more likely it is that you start looking like the snail who’s been taunted one too many times by the little boy with the twig. Where are you in this respect?

It’s Not Good For Man To Be Alone
In many men, there is a streak of independence... whether it’s the drive to go on a solo weekend mountain climbing adventure (ala John Eldredge)... or the tendency to withdraw from the help of other people “because I can do it better myself.” Women generally thrive on community and talking and sharing. I am told this is where they are refueled and where they gravitate for support. Men are more likely to pull away from others... because they don’t feel like they relate to other men, or because they’re ashamed of their issues and they don’t want anyone to get close enough to see the issues, or they find it easier to deal with emotions by burying them under heavy work loads or isolated distractions.

I’m at an interesting place right now in my life. My job is all consuming. I am gone weeks at a time, and though I enjoy what I am doing, I really feel like something is missing in my life... I’ve concluded that my greatest deficiency lies in community. If you are a guy, especially in your later 20’s and upwards, you may be where I am. I’ve known some guys who have withdrawn further and further away from people over time, with little hope of resurfacing. I, on the other hand, am seeking... or at least wanting deeper relationships... I’m actually very tired of being independent. Granted, I need my space at times, but I also realize that I need to be spending more quality time around people that I trust. With this comes the willingness to trust other people.

Have You Thrown Away The Key?
This brings me to the issue of “Guarding Your Heart.” I had an ex-girlfriend who used this phrase a lot (while we were dating), so much so that I gathered she really didn’t trust me. Her goal was to guard her heart whenever possible. Although I think it is important to be careful who you give your heart to, I also believe there comes a time when you have to just abandon your inhibitions and let someone see you for who you are. That can be tough, but it’s the only way a true friendship and relationship can form. Certainly, there is pacing, but this unveiling needs to happen at some point.

Have you been hurt? I know I have been. I dated the girl mentioned above for only four months, and it took me nearly two years to get over the heartache. It was the first relationship ever in which I opened up completely. That was a long time ago, so I’ve healed, and I’ve long since moved on. However, like a Vietnam vet, I still have war flashbacks. The thought of giving my heart to someone now bears a serious weight, one which I never knew as an early 20 year old. You may be where I am.

I Can’t Remember My User Name And Password
How does one who’s been hurt come back to a place of trusting another human being with his/her deepest fears and desires? When was the last time you used your heart? Is it like an old email account which you’ve forgotten how to get into? I wish I had an easy solution here. What I will say is this. I believe we have to be completely intimate with God before we understand what it means to be intimate with another human being. We have to believe that God is big enough to repair us if another faulted sinner tramples our most precious of all assets, our hearts. In a popular ColdPlay song, Chris Martin coos, “What if you should decide that you don’t want me there by your side/What if you should decide that you don’t want me there in your life/...Every step that you take could be your biggest mistake/It could bend or it could break/But that’s the risk that you take/...How will you know if you don’t even try.” There is no such thing as relationship without risk.

The Well-Adjusted Single
If you are like me, you are trapped in a dichotomy of thinking. Some days, I’m pretty certain I can make it on my own. I start believing that God wants me to be single, so I try to figure out how to suck it up and be strong enough to deal with life alone. Other days, I collapse under the thought that maybe a man is in fact incomplete without a woman, and I should be looking more fervishly. Then, when I have no success, I go back to a place where I think I’m supposed to figure out how to make it on my own. Then, I get lonely, and I start feeling pathetic, and then I start looking again. What a ridiculous cycle. Some couples seem to meet so easily. High school sweethearts. Missions trip romances. Friend-of-a-friend, married-within-4-months fantasy stories. For some of us, it hasn’t been easy. For some reason, we’re still alone. Either because we’re too picky or we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, or because... well, God wants us to be a single. How do we end this cycle? How do we become well adjusted and stable singles, completely relient on God and satisfied with His will?

I Can’t Handle It Anymore
We have to trust that God is all knowing. Maybe your best friend needed to be married for some reason. Maybe she wouldn’t be able to make it to 35 as a single. Maybe God knew you could. As I Corinthians 10 says, “God will not give us anything we can’t handle.” You and I have to believe that God has empowered us to be victorious singles. Maybe you are alone because God has given you the strength to be alone, although you may not realize it. Maybe you can get over the fact that you don’t have kids, and you can really pour into your friends’ children. Maybe you won’t die without sex... maybe it’s actually possible to be pure in a world where abstaining is counter culture. The battles we face as singles are extremely challenging... there is no doubt about it... but determining on our own that we can’t make it any longer in the single war zone is blatant distrust in God. I encourage you, single friend, hang on... not with hope that you’re going to meet your human soul mate... we should not place such demands upon a God who owes us nothing. Instead, we must abandon the dreamy honeymoons, the romantic dinners, the picket fences, the beautiful children, and all the idols which masquerade as status quo ... and lay our fragile and fickle hearts at the feet of the One who knows more about and cares more about our hearts than we ever will.

“O Sovereign LORD, my strong deliverer, who shields my head in the day of battle.” Psalm 140:7

Originally published March 2, 2007