Tea Bags, Boiling Points, and Mud FacialsI’ve never been a huge fan of reality shows, but I think on some level, it’s interesting what can happen when you put ten totally different people in a house for a month and capture it on video. I’m sure Big Brother and The Real World and other shows like this are quite scripted and over dramatized... however, I assume regardless, there would be a number of challenges present with such a variety of personalities competing. Once I heard someone refer to human beings as “tea bags whose true character expresses itself best in a pot of hot water.” We all have certain “flaws” and personality traits that we despise, and to some degree, try to keep hidden from those around us. Maybe it’s a bad tempter, or an insecurity, or an unhealthy compulsion. Whatever the case, we are all human, imperfect, and bent towards putting on the makeup. Nevertheless, hardship (or 30 days in a house full of strangers) can be the splash of water that reveals our true selves.
So how does this all relate to singlehood, you ask? Remember that first date? What did you do to get ready for it? Maybe you took a shower, whitened your teeth, put on some cologne or perfume, composed your hair, cleaned all the Wendy’s trash out of your car, etc, etc. There is certainly nothing wrong with putting your best foot forward, especially on the first date (or at a job interview, etc). If I showed up on a girl’s front porch, and she met me dressed in jammies, mud, and curlers, I’d have to wonder if there had been some breakdown of communication along the way.
Despite our attemtps to look our best, in every relationship, there is a point when you’re reminded that the other person isn’t perfect (and they are reminded likewise of your shortcomings). I think sometimes as singles, it can be easy to make our lists and then try to fit another person into that list before we have really taken the time to get to know he/she for who he/she is. Maybe you want to meet a guy who is both confident, and a leader. At first, some guy strikes you as very confident, and before looking him up and down, you assume that “he’s the one for you” and must be a leader too. You start to expect him to be a leader, but the farther you get into the relationship, the more you realize that he’s more cocky about himself than he is interested in setting an example for others... then you become disappointed and frustrated... or you continually live in some state of denial, ignoring the facts, and maybe even assuming that he will eventually change for the better. Infatuation can blind, and sometimes, we want to turn a blind eye to certain “bad” sides of another person. “He’s such a nice guy, but I wish he didn’t drink so much.” “She’s so cute, but she keeps overdrawing her bank account.” The reality here is, we need to be honest when evaluating the entire personality and make-up of another person. This doesn’t mean we rule out every “potential” who isn’t perfect and this doesn’t mean we go around looking for what other people aren’t. It’s good to focus on the good qualities of others. Maybe my weaknesses will be balanced out with your strengths and visa versa. There are no perfect people, and in such a case that you do find someone who is perfect, be careful that you aren’t the one who ruins him/her. On the contrary, there are certainly issues to avoid when looking for a mate, but at the same time, we need to approach relationships with grace, patience, and understanding, especially if we’re expecting such virtues reciprocated from another imperfect human being. If I’m pre-occupied by a speck in your eye, I might be more helpful if I first removed the telephone pole protruding from my own face. We need to be honest looking at others, and even more honest when looking at ourselves.
Relationship Or Renovationship?
So let’s say you meet the guy of your dreams and then you find out he has some “baggage” or “issues.” At that point, you have to make a decision. Either you decide to live with who he is, you break off the relationship, or set out to try to “change the man for the better.” I’ve noticed this urge to renovate with some people, especially some women. They’re oddly looking for a man they can fix. The other night, I heard a comedian talking about how his wife dresses him, and doesn’t let him go out of the house without “being approved.” Don’t get me wrong here. I’m totally open to having a women make clothing suggestions if she has a good eye for such things. My point here is, as a general rule, a person shouldn’t have the goal of ultimately harnessing, controlling, and reworking another person simply to make that person a better fit, less of an embarrassment, or easier to live with. If we choose to be in a relationship, we need to learn to appreciate one another for our differences (and yes, this is easier said than done), and celebrate our diversity (in Christian terms, not in a twisted rainbow agenda sort of way), unless there are issues of serious concern. Some problems are more dire (unfaithfulness, spiritual disinterest, depression), while there are other issues which may be annoyances you just need to learn to live with (how she rolls the toothpaste tube, or how he never manages to put the toilet seat down). I suppose its all about perspective, and choosing your battles carefully, and in the interest of the other person. Sometimes, unhealthy attempts to manipulatively change another person can even backfire in reactions of imbitterement, disrespect, and apathy.
I always think it’s funny how some older couples still joke about their differences, yet the general tone of their jest is that of an old, time-tested friendship, not that of irritation or resentment. I suppose we should always ask ourselves why we might want to change another person. Is our motive self-centered, or is it fueled by true concern and love for that friend, girlfriend, mate, etc.? In the end, two people need to be willing to work with and sacrfice for each other, even if that means taking an extra millisecond to drop the cap of the porcelain throne. Ultimately, a couple should aim for communication and respect. Maybe some of the quirks of another person are even beautiful, and you just haven’t learned to appreciate them yet.
A Old Dog With New Tricks
As singles, it’s a little dangerous to go into a relationship with the assumption that marriage will magically alleviate personality flaws, bad spending habits, negative attitudes, or unhealthy addictions. As the old saying goes, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Now I’m not saying that it’s impossible for a person to change for the better after he/she is married. Thank God, as Christians, we are all undergoing a sanctification process and are hopefully becoming more like Christ. We just need to be careful not to hyper-inflate marriage as a fix all. I certainly have issues I’m working through, and I’m sure you do too. As singles, we need to be striving to be now what we want to be in marriage (if marriage is part of God’s plan for our lives). Also, we need to be careful when selecting someone we want to spend the rest of our earthly existence with. If a “character concern” genuinely bothers you, don’t push those apprehensions to the back of your consciousness, believing that he or she will get better (if you don’t see any improvement)... or even worse, go the route of believing that you have the knowledge and persuasion to do some transforming miracle in the heart of another human being, when the true fix can only come through a work of God.
Originally published July 13, 2006
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