Lawn Chairs and CanoesA number of summers ago, my parents joined my uncles and aunts at our family’s beloved Piatt Lake in Upper Peninsula Michigan for a week of “no kids allowed” wilderness trouble making. At the time, my dad was just recovering from a leg injury, which for months had required him to wear a special cast-like boot designed to prevent further damage. Fortunately, about a week before the trip, the doctor gave him the ok to remove the RoboCop-esque sweat stained boot which by then was despised with a passion.
It was a beautiful day on the lake, and three wise and distinctly aged gentlemen had one thing on their minds - fishing. With the ambition of grade school boys at a frog pond, my dad and my two uncles decided that they would test their hook and reel skills in my uncle’s narrow orange eye-shaped canoe. There was only one problem. My dad was a bit uncomfortable sitting in the vessel’s low middle seat (with his senstive leg)... so they opted for the next brightest idea... a lawn chair. Yes, that’s right... a lawn chair in a canoe. Must have seemed like a good idea at the time. So, here they were sitting out in the glistening lake, fishing poles in hand, one uncle in the front seat, one in the back, and in the middle, my dad propped high and dignified in a green meshed lawn chair. Also laying in the boat was a medium sized plastic basin eagerly awaiting the catch of the day.
The Michigan sun beamed down on tranquil waters as three sixty something year old boys sat patiently... one in the front, one in the back, and one in the middle... in a lawn chair. Then, it happened. My dad felt a sudden and animated tug on his line and the words exploded from his mouth, “I’ve got something!!!” My two uncles were ecstatic. With wide eyes, my dad started winding in his prize, and my uncles began preparing the basin. Uncle Errol (in the front) handed the basin to Uncle Larry (in the back) and suddenly, the unimaginable happened (ok, you could have guessed it like a poorly executed suspense plot), the vessel began losing its narrow centered balance. Then, in a slow motion dream sequence, with hands in the air, my dad and my two uncles tipped back, and like synchronized swimmers, plunged into the once still waters with a momentous splash. It is a story that they all still laugh about today.
Survival of The Fibbess
“Funny,” you may say, “but what in world does that story have to do with relationships and singlehood?” Stick with me. Unlike much of the world, my job hours are shifted slightly forward in that I don’t have to be to work until about 10:00 am. With this, I’ll occasionally flip on the tv only to catch programming which I am guessing is aimed at mothers and housewives. I promise, I don’t make it a habit of watching television geared towards women, but last week, I happened to catch a few minutes of a disturbing female focused interview on The Today Show. The topic at hand was lying, and its place in relationships. The guest author had quite the interesting views on the subject. She explained to the host that women are raised to lie as a means of survival. She then went on to explain that lying is ok, just as long as it doesn’t become “compound lying” in which someone has to lie to cover other lies. According to this show’s guest, it is perfectly ok for a wife to tell her husband that she “loves the necklace he gave her” when deep inside, she really thinks it is hideous. LIkewise, it is just as acceptable for a mother to lie to her children if additional information will cause more harm than good. The author further explained that women are bent towards pleasing and are taught from a young age “not to rock the boat” (like my uncles and dad did in the silly story above), even if that costs them their integrity. Wow. As I turned off the tv to leave for work, I wasn’t sure what to think about that interview. I understood the author’s proposed dilemma of “keeping the peace” but I also found myself wrestling with the Biblical definitions of truth and honesty and the relational ideals of trust and intimacy which somehow seemed to clash with this lady’s worldview.
The Piggy Bank of Trust
I once heard that friendships (and guy/girl relationships) are like a piggy bank. Every relationship is built and enhanced through many small deposits. A deposit could be a kind word, a small gift, a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on. Most of us probably aren’t conscience of all the deposits we are making in others’ lives. Deposits help to develop trust in a relationship while withdraws can cause emotional strain, even more so when the account balance is low to start with.
In relationships, withdraws aren’t always necessarily bad, but they need to be out weighed with deposits. A withdraw could come in the asking of an inconvenient favor (like asking for a ride), or it could surface in a confrontation over a pet peeve (putting the toilet seat down). It’s ok to bring up issues that cause tension as long as the rubberband still has thickness and elasticity to it. If a man is insensitive towards his wive’s schedule, he shouldn’t be surprised when she is irritated that he wants to go out and spend a night with the guys. If a woman is nit picky towards her husband, he will probably eventually just tune her out. However, if she is generally loving and respectful towards him, he will probably be more responsive when she mentions that it bothers her when he doesn’t roll the toothpaste tube from the bottom.
You May Not Tip The Boat, But You May Sink It Slowly
I want to bring this all back around to honesty. Are white lies unavoidable in relationships? Is dishonesty in fact an acceptable and necessary means to survival... or is this view simply a cop out from further vulnerability and deeper communication? Certainly, this is quite a controversial issue, and I don’t think I have all the answers here, but it seems to me that lying would be a form of withdraw, like a chisel to the base of a relationship’s foundation, namely trust. What do you think? Do you believe that every lie negatively affects a relationship? Certainly, it’s not practical to always tell the truth, but is it right? What if your wife knew that you actually thought those jeans do in fact make her look fat? Is there a way to answer truthfully without offending? What if your husband could see what you really felt about that gift he worked so hard to get for you? Could you be honest yet simultaneously show your appreciation? How honest should a couple be with each other? Can the cloak of self-survival and the glass of true intimacy coexist?
Where are you in your relationships? Are you making more deposits than you're demanding withdraws? Are you affording the ground work for those painful misunderstandings and ideal shattering disagreements which will bring you closer together? Are you so busy protecting yourself that you no longer even see the needs of that other person? Are you so set on pulling money out that you've forgotten what it means to invest?
I wonder if many couples constantly live in selfish fear of “rocking the boat” when in fact, they’re missing the laughter and enjoyment that comes with plunging into a warm and tested lake of deeper closeness.
Originally published March 18, 2008
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