The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 3

What A Girl Wants
Every single has some list of qualities he/she is looking for in a future mate. These lists can range from “I’ll take anyone with a pulse who will go out with me” to “If you don’t match my 300 specs, I am out of your league and you need to step out of line.” Some people like to talk openly about what they are looking for in a mate, while others prefer to keep such personal preferences to themselves.

The other night, I was at a young adult/singles group, and believe it or not, the message for the evening came from the most bachelor/bachelorette-relevant of all books of the Bible, Song of Solomon! Sarcasm aside, it actually turned out to be a great discussion and mainly focused on the concept of “not awakening love before it so desires.” As we dug deeper into the topic of dating, the group leader decided to open the floor up for people to share what they were looking for in a mate. Interesting!! One girl said she was looking for a guy who was confident in himself. One guy said he was hoping to marry his best friend, because the romance only lasts so long. One girl said she wanted a guy with a backbone, because she had a temper, and the guy should know how to handle that. Another guy was dreaming of a girl he could argue with (in a fun or intellectual sort of way). One guy said he wanted someone who could “keep him in line” and someone who wouldn’t talk too much about annoying things like“how her best friend was breaking up with so and so.” One guy was searching for a girl who could make him laugh. What did I say? I kept my mouth shut. Why? Maybe the girl I’m going to marry was in the room, and what if she happened to possess the quality I was “trying to avoid,” yet God knew that inspite of that, she was the right person for me? I think there are some things you should keep to yourself, especially in a room full of potentials.

With a slight derail, I am going to make a terrible confession. I once tried online dating... yes, I admit it... through one of those cheesy Christian dating sites. There was one option in the initial getting to know you portion which made me laugh. If you so desired, you could ask the other person what he/she was looking for in a mate. Seems innocent enough, right? Well, if you were really savvy, after asking that question and receiving an answer, you could turn around and bend the truth just enough so that the other person would believe that you were everything he/she ever wanted... of course, it was easy to pass the test with a cheat sheet!! I personally tried to avoid asking this question, but I thought I’d throw this tid bit out there as I thought it deserved a chuckle. Anyways, on we move.

Ever read a child’s Christmas wish list to Santa?? Sort of humorous sometimes, huh? As a parent, you may read your kids’ list and quietly laugh inside thinking, “Do you really think we’re going to buy you “a U2 iPod, the whole Lego Star Wars collection, and a pet ferret? Riiiight.” As singles, I wonder if our “wish lists” are just too unrealistic. Maybe we should be happy if we only get a hamster and an iPod Shuffle. Of course, I think we should have standards. We shouldn’t settle for anyone. Again, as in all my single’s columns, I’m just rattling my soap box of balance. My point is... don’t swing too far either way between being too picky and being too desperate. Picky people find that perfection doesn’t exist, and desperate people get burned by their haste. At either rainbow’s end, you’ll find a pot of dissapointment.

When Lists Collide
I find it both ironic and disheartening how we can work so hard to find somebody to meet all our expectations, only to discover that that person has his/her own unquenchable spreadsheet of “must haves.” What a challenging world we live in. I have to wonder if it has always been this difficult for people to find a “compatible” member of the opposite sex. It just seemed a lot simpler when my parents were kids. People just fell in love, and said “I do.” There weren’t all these self-help books and counseling seminars. People got married, and somehow, many of them stayed together. Maybe we have been brainwashed by our vote for your favorite television shows and our photoshopped, skin-soaked computer screens. Maybe we have trouble recognizing beauty, as God sees it. Maybe you and I are both a bit blind. Maybe, in the light of our expectations for others, we no longer notice our own blemishes.

When I was young, I used to think my future wife would be an angel. As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that a beautiful woman is just as flawed and human as me... and of course, this goes both ways... ladies, your prince charming may have days when he lets you down. This is where forgiveness and true love step in. We can go into dating with unrealistic lists of what we want, and we can further the list making in marriage by keeping a neat little notebook of someone else’s shortcomings. I’m glad my Heavenly Father isn’t in the business of back logging. Neither should we.

Originally published June 15, 2006