Streams and SwampsMy father gave me a great illustration once: “A stream narrowed carries a powerful current while a stream widened is nothing more than a swamp.” This truth could be applied to anyone, but for now, I’m going to focus my arguments toward my single friends.
I begin by asking this question, “Are you focused or do you feel a general sense of directionlessness in your life?” Have you recently paused long enough to evaluate what is really most important to you? We all feed priorities in our lives, even if we’re not conscious of those moment by moment destiny-molding decisions. Maybe you have a clear cut vision for where you’re trying to go in life, or maybe you’re wandering the desert aimlessly. Maybe your goal is to climb a bit higher at work, buy a house, or like so many single people, maybe your greatest aspiration is to accelerate the ETA of your future mate. Maybe you feel that is the time where your meaning will be discovered. Maybe you believe that other person will further define who you are and what your mission is. Maybe you’re looking for a certain level of intimacy that you just don’t find with your “everyday friends.” On the other hand, maybe you are extremely grounded in your faith, friendships, and individuality and you’ve grown past these misconceptions. Everyone is at a different stage in his/her life.
Here’s The Church and Here’s The Steeple...
I’ve seen a growing trend among Christian singles. I know a number of single folks who spend much of their energy strattling various church groups (even internet dating sites) in hopes of being “at the right place at the right time” to meet that right guy or girl. When it comes to church, maybe you like the teaching at one Sunday morning service, yet all the hot Christian girls and guys are at a steeple across town. Some people operate under the assumption that God has one person for him/her, and it can become one’s goal to feverishly seek out that diamond in the rough. I’ve found that this belief system can quickly become emotionally and spiritually draining. In contrast to the desperate seeker, there are other people exhaustively waiting for that special someone to show up neatly gift wrapped on the doorstep. Then, other folks are truly first aiming to glorifying God, while trusting that He will provide the right guy/girl at the right time, if such provision is part of His eternal plan.
Google This
As a single, where are you at in “your search?” Are you tired of looking? Do you spend hours, days, weeks, and years picking through your “search engine results” only to walk away repeatable disappointed? So here’s a bigger question. Have you recently recommitted your “needs” to God? Maybe you think you need a companion? Is that true? God does say in Genesis that “it is not good for man to be alone,” but then again, wasn’t God the one who originally walked with man in the Garden of Eden? Where are you in regards to your “intimacy level” with God? Do you wake up each morning, roll your feet out of bed, only to lament that “You’re still alone?” My question is, are you really alone or are you simply isolating yourself from the deepest and most fulfilling relationship a man or woman can have? Are you more concerned about finding the substitute instead of discovering the mystery and marvel of what it means to be a friend of God?
Sitting By A Fountain At The Mall
I had a friend tell me once that some of his parent’s best (and most affordable) early dates consisted of people-watching at the mall. You can learn a lot by observing people you want to be like, or think you want to be like (or don’t want to be like). Take some time to watch married people around you. Are they content? Are they happy? Are they fulfilled? If they are walking with God, you’ll hopefully be able to answer “yes” to all of these questions. However, no one can really be completely satisfied simply by having a special someone, if God is not first at the center of his/her life. All true relationships (of any sort) are about sacrifice. I wonder how many young couples go into marriage with unrealistic expectations of how they will be completed by each other. Maybe it’s a longing for security, companionship, children, a compensation for a bad mother/father relationship, or even simply a ticket for “God-honoring” sex. Whatever the motive might be, shouldn’t the question be, “How can I compliment what God is already doing in that other person’s life?” instead of “What can I get?” This is indeed a tough one for all of us as we are all selfish people with often skewed motives. Now I’m not saying that we should all just avoid any relationships until we "have it all together." I just believe it’s a good exercise to take frequent “heart inventories.” We should be asking yourselves questions like: “What are my friendships built around?” and “Why am I going to such and such a church/young adult group?” and “Why I am desiring to be married?” I’ve been asking myself such questions a lot recently. Wrong motives can sneak up on you. This reminds me of the old game at Chucky Cheese Pizza where you had to wack purple hole- protruding ogers with a mallet for points. Thank goodness we have the holy spirit to keep our purple orger motives in check.
It’s Hard to Mow Your Own Grass When The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side
Where would the world be without dreamers? DaVinci. Thomas Edison. Ben Franklin. The Wright Brothers. Al Gore (we can thank him for the internet, right?). There is nothing wrong with looking over the fence and seeing what’s on the other side. However, there’s also something to be said about taking care of the concerns right in front of you. Do you dream of being married and having a lifelong companion? Certainly, there is nothing sinful about that in itself. God put this desire in most of us. However, are you neglecting other areas in your life while hyper focusing on “mate research?” Do you spend more time worrying about your perpetual singlehood than thanking God for how He’s blessed you otherwise? Are you working harder on getting hitched than you are investing in the friendships you have right now? When it comes to your current friendships, maybe there is a level of closeness that you haven’t even tapped into to. Maybe you’ve been too busy thinking about the future, and what you believe the perfect relationship will look like. Ask any married person and I’m sure they will tell you there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. All relationships take work, and time, and sacrifice, and investments from both parties... this goes for marriage, family relationships, friendships... they all require effort. Maybe God wants you to focus on being a great uncle or aunt. Maybe God wants you to be a better brother or sister. Maybe your neighbor would be flabbergasted if you stopped by after work and genuinely showed an interest in him or her for a few moments. Maybe life isn’t built around two people in a committed marriage relationship. Maybe life is build around love for all people. Maybe life is about loving the people right in front of us, and beside us, and underneath us in apartment 1A.
Don’t be a stream that’s become a swamp by spreading yourself too thin in hopes of “being in the right place at the right time” to find the perfect match. Let it go. Let God do the looking. He knows you more than you know yourself, and he’s got a proven system, more effective than any devised by man, even Dr. Neil Clark Warren of eHarmony. Pray a lot. Commit your concerns, fears, and worries to your all-understanding Father above. Look at the path below you instead of wondering what’s around the trees. Know that every pebble along the way has a purpose and a beautiful characteristic.
Recognize Your True Friends
Be a stream that’s narrowed and concentrated. One that values close friendships, and is willing to make them a priority. I know I have some time-proven close friendships in my life which I’ve overlooked at times, while in the meantime searching for the perfect complete stranger who may become my mate after years of conversation, trust building, and shared experiences. Don’t neglect your proven friendships while looking for “better” friendships. Old wine is better than cheap beer. As the old saying goes, “sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” Re-evaluate what’s really important to you, and what’s really important to God. Give your motives and passions a spring cleaning if need be. We can’t truly love God without loving the people He’s already placed in our lives. And just to clear things up, I am in no way advocating cliques. Meeting new people is good, but valuing proven friendships may be just as good or better. It’s important to identify people we really connect with and work to keep those relationships alive. Remember that even Jesus had a core group of friends- twelve unpolished common boys known as His disciples, some of which went on to jump-start the early church, the Lord’s own “baby,” if you will. Even the God of Heaven in human form had to learn the discipline of narrowing his stream of earthly friendships. If that’s not an example to follow, I don’t know what is.
Originally published August 5, 2006
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