The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 2

The “Leave and Cleave Dilemma”

Genesis 2:24
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

Seems like a simple enough thought. Right? Sure, for the engaged couple ready to tie the hitch. But what about the single man or woman? Does this verse even apply to their respective lives? I’ve noticed from observation (of my own life and those around me) that some singles can get stuck in this mentality that they are unable to “move on with their lives” until they find that significant other. They almost feel bound to sit around and wait for the right guy or gal to “complete” them. If you are like me and have grown up in a Christian school, church, Christian college, etc, you may have been dealt this belief that you are lacking something as a single person (the chapels at my Christian college specialized in ridiculously glorifying both marriage and “full-time ministry,” and some churches I’ve familiar with praise the institution of marriage, yet make zero attempts to reach the single demographic within their church body. Don’t get me wrong. Both marriage and pastoral type ministries are to be valued, yet even good things too lopsided can quickly take the shape of an idol). Anyways, my point here is, we can become who we believe we are. If you are given hints that you are “half a person” because you are single, you may start to live with some hidden anxiety that you are subpar to those who are married. You might develop a case of what I like to call “single paranoia.” If that’s your diagnosis, just remember that Paul was most likely single (he wrote a good chunk of the new testament) and even Jesus (despite the heritical ramblings of the DiVinci Code) was a bachelor.

In constrast to all I’ve said above, you personally may, on the other hand, be someone who has been supported and loved unconditionally by your friends and family, regardless whether you have a “better half” or not. I’ve been fortunate to have a family who loves me for who I am, and though they know my heart’s desire to marry, they don’t purposely pressure me into “making grandkids,” but graciously pray for me, my potential future mate, and love me unconditionally all along. I’ve also had the friendship and support of many of my married friends. Many of them have been models of what a Christian marriage should be. There have just been other outside forces in my life as well as inner voices in my head which have attempted to make me believe that am on some “B List” as a single.

The Bumpy Road Called "Leaving"
In the context of marriage, the concept of “leaving” seems pretty cut and dry (move away from mom and dad, your bachelor life, etc.), although the application of such principle is probably an ongoing life long lesson. I’m told marriage can really kick peoples’ butts. As an example, at times, I’ve been slipped one liners like “If you think things are tough now, wait until you get married!!” I’m never quite sure how to take that statement. To begin, I would argue that that person has an unrealistic view of what it is to be single, because the single life is by no means easy... (if you were married when you were 22, you have no idea what it is like to be 35 and still single)... and second, I’m curious whether that person is trying to scare me away from marriage or lure me into sharing with him/her in some institution of pain. How are you supposed to respond to something like that?? Anyways, I get the point that marriage is challenging for all involved (especially if you have kids). For the man, he’d better learn how to manage his finances and keep a steady job and be understanding of his wife's’ feelings even when the words coming out of her mouth make no sense to him. The woman may have to learn to “leave” mom and dad emotionally, and stop spending to her heart’s content using dad’s money. Who knows. Maybe the guy needs to cut down on the time he spends watching his favorite games, or enjoying his beloved hobby, and maybe the woman needs to leave some of those guy friends in the past, and focus her attention on her “prince charming” and help him to understand that he is her one and only. I’m sure it looks different for different people. Everyone has various areas in which he/she needs to grow up. From my understanding, a lot of “comfort zones” get challenged in marriage. Things you can get away with your friends don’t fly with your wife. So at the end of the day, you’d better grow up and learn to be responsible (and flexible) if you’re going to say “I do.” As you “leave” certain pasts in your life, you begin to instead cleave to the needs and desires of that other person. Easier said than done, I’m sure.

A Single's Mind Should be Single Minded
So this brings us to the pending magic question... how does the single person “leave?” What does he leave? I think first, he/she needs to leave the idea that he/she will never be “fulfilled” without being married. Will he/she miss out on being a parent? Probably. Will he/she never experience a candle lit dinner or an international exploration with the one he/she loves dearly? Most likely. We all have dreams and hopes of what we think marriage might be. However, there are other things to see, and other worlds to explore as a single person. Singlehood doesn’t have to be as gloomy as we sometimes make it. We need to leave the idea that only married people are happy. I’ve met a lot of married people who are very unhappy. Wives who gossip about their husbands. Husbands who don’t listen to their wives. Women who always “have headaches” and are mad at their husbands for “looking at other women.” Men who only have to “stay at work a couple more hours” only to come home and watch a 3 1/2 hour sports game. The stories are there if you look for them. As singles, we have to get past this false reality that marriage is bliss. On the contrary, some of us need to get past our own cynicism and understand that marriage is in fact beautiful, even in imperfection. Some of us have had bad experiences, and we tell ourselves that all relationships will be bad. That is simply not true. What I’m saying is that we need to have a balanced view of what marriage is and is meant to be. We need to leave our misconceptions of marriage behind. I have one friend you likes to use the phrase “one more check in the single’s column” every time one of his married friends decides to discuss a new marital frustration. I think that’s pretty funny.

So, in addition to adjusting our expectations of marriages, we have to grow up just like the married man or woman. We have to leave our childhood tendencies and cleave to wisdom and maturity, and more importantly, to Christ and His will for our lives. We shouldn’t wait around for someone else to motivate us to take risks, or stand up for truth, or chase dreams, etc. etc. etc. In fact, some people never follow their hearts before they are married, thinking that someone else will help them to “find themselves” when in fact, the “finding of themselves” in marriage only breeds a deep regret that they hadn’t done more “exploring” as a single person.

Don’t mean to burst any bubbles here, but for some of us, marriage may never be a reality. This is a potential we each need to digest, though it be unappetizing as a chalky pink puddle of Pepto. So, if we do remain single, does the goal of self improvement lose it’s cause or meaning? Do I then, as one Seinfield episode comically sited, “Move to Florida so I can die?” Absolutely not! Our primary goal should be to forward the Kingdom of God, not “check out”... nor feaverishly fight to “look as good as possible” so that “he” or “she” will take notice (although we should take care of ourselves on some level). What if “he” or “she” doesn’t ever take notice? If we live our lives for God, God will notice and God will reward us in His own way and in His own time. We should be concerned about whether or not we are pleasing Him. That should be our focus. We must cleave alone to Christ and His will for our lives. As a side note, just remember, when we all get to Heaven, we’ll all be single (I’d like to hear a hymn about that!). Check out Luke 20:27-39. Marriage will be a thing of the past, and our eternal investments for God (and yes, this includes our love for family, friends, kids, spouse, etc.) will be the only tokens stuck in our belt loops during the ressurection (or rapture, if you’re lucky).

And God Said It Was Good (So Who Am I To Argue?)
Finally, I want to say I have NOTHING against marriage. I, in fact, would like to be married some day and I pray that in such a situation, I will be a man of God who loves God first, and genuinely loves and cares for his wife. I am not bashing marriage, nor am I underhandedly trying to say that any of my close married friends have treated me poorly or deserve to be put down. On the contrary, my close married friends have played a very special part in my life, and I’ve watched happily as many of these friends have, through marriage, become more responsible and balanced people. I’m just making observations based on many things I have seen over the years, people I’ve talked to, stories I’ve heard, etc. I’m basically trying to put everything on an even playing field. We’re all in this together. You may be a married foot and I may be a single eye, but you can’t walk anywhere if you’re blind, and I’d be rolling around aimlessly if it wasn’t for your handsome ten toes.

A Romantic Closer
Finally, if you are single, don’t be hindered by foolish apprehensions or useless daydreaming. Be yourself and let go of what other people think you should be. Listen to the whispers of God, not the stereotypes, idolatries, and old wives tales of men. As Paul said, both marriage and singlehood have their place (I Cor 7). Stay encouraged. Press on. Maybe your mate will meet you when you least expect it as you are busy chasing the passions that your Heavenly Father has laid upon your heart. If you long to run, put your shoes on, and start down the narrowing field leading to the woods. Your best match may be found along the dirt trails during the last leg of the race.

Originally published June 13, 2006