The Art of Singlehood: Chapter 12

Scalpels and Stitches
I have quite a few cherished memories from my high school days in the science lab. The smell of formaldehyde. The chatter of students wearing plastic glasses and starched white coats. The painted skeleton in the corner...the cabinet of explosive elements... the incubator of mating fleas. And with this, I can’t forget the one story of my friend who’s misfortunate of the school morning was getting stabbed in the butt with a scalpel. I’m not sure how many stitches he had to get at the hospital, and I’m still a bit hazy on why his prankster classmate didn’t foresee the danger of sticking sharp blades in the rear ends of friends. Good times indeed. And while we reminisce, I mustn’t fail to mention the joy found by my lab partner and me as we named our dissected pig, gave him a fake cigar, and made him talk like Sean Connery. That was a hoot. And of course, there’s that one chemistry class when my teacher combined the wrong elements and both ignited and shattered a beaker with flames and fanfare. Yes, there is something exhilarating about mixing a couple chemicals together and then waiting to see what happens.

I Don’t Think The Chemistry Is There
I have to make a confession. I’m trying eHarmony again. I’ve probably subscribed to the service on about three occasions over the last five years. Along with this, over the last five years, I’ve made two significant trips to meet Christian women... one interest took me to Florida, and another landed me in Cleveland, Mississippi. Crazy. I must be out of my mind. I’ve now resorted to only starting conversations with people who live within the surrounding states and counties.

Some of you understand the complexities of on-line dating. Potentials can turn out to be completely different when you meet she/he in person. Some girls will post five year old pictures of themselves, and will fail to mention that they now look like another person. What’s up with that? One of the strangest things about online dating is the fact that you totally bypass all your standard forms of first impressions. You can’t observe that person’s body language, you have no idea if the girl’s voice is an octave lower than your own, you can’t accurately access physically attraction, and you can’t gauge personality the same way you could if, as an example, you had a face to face conversation at a coffee shop, or ran into that person at church. On-line dating certainly has its risks, but isn’t this true of every type of relationship?

Of course, there are also benefits to online dating. Not only is it simplified by being a prearranged and often accelerated process, it offers you the possibility of meeting A LOT of different people. With this, you also need to get used to rejections, and accustomed to seemingly made-in-heaven matches which begin the process of conversing, and then just fall off the face of the map, and fail to ever respond again after the first couple interactions. Along this unchartable path, I’ve had girls request communication, and I’ve also had hundreds of girls turn me down, with such reasons as, “I think the physical distance between us is too great,” “Based on the statements in their profile, I am not interested in this match, “ “I am pursuing another match, “ “I don’t think the chemistry is there, “ and my favorite ambiguity, “Other.”

Chemistry can mean so many things. For some people, to say “I don’t think the chemistry is there” is code for “I wish you looked more like somebody on The O.C.” I suppose I respect someone for being honest, although when you’re on the receiving end, it is a bit hurtful to the ego. Although I agree that chemistry involves physical attraction, I would argue that it is multi dimensional and involves the cohesiveness of two personalities. I once went out with a girl who didn’t get any of my jokes. Whenever I attempted to be funny, my dry sarcasm was mistaken for the literal. Laughs were replaced with explaining and backtracking. We just didn’t connect, in humor, and in a lot of other ways. Whether in opposites or similarities, there needs to be a connection. Beyond the pheromones and the way she looks in that dress, there’s a much deeper mystery behind what attracts two individuals to one another. I’ve always been told that YOU WILL KNOW when you finally meet THE ONE. I’ve thought I’ve known a couple times for sure. This has led me to be rather untrusting of my own 20/10 instincts, but I continue to believe that GOD will make it extraordinarily clear when I finally meet Mrs. Andre (and much of this may be reflected in the anomaly that she is likewise just as convinced). My philosophy continues to be that “it only takes one.” If 10,000 girls find me boring and uninteresting, there will be one who likes me and gets me (and I will likewise get her, and will find her uncanningly attractive). Whoever and wherever she is, she’s the one I’m holding out for.

The Two Trees of Dating and Friendship
The other day, I was chewing on the idea of friendship and how it pertains to romantic relationships. I don’t think there can really be lasting chemistry in a relationship unless there is tested friendship. When I look back over my life, I find that all my closest friends are old friends, friends who have walked with me through the thick and thin. New quality friendships are developing, but for me, the deepest bonds are with those friends I’ve known for a while. I also find that the majority of my close friendships just sort of happened. I never pushed those friendships. I never said to myself, “wow, I would really like to get to know Dave better.” All of my close friendships just fell into place naturally and without much premeditation. In light of this, dating and friendship seem to often fall from separate trees. Now that I’m in my 30’s, dating feels even more contrived and ackward. In an ideal world, I wouldn’t ask a girl out on a date until I’ve spent some unattached time with her, getting to know her in a group, and observing her from the outside. However, this can be challenging, especially if you’re hoping to meet your significant other in a church single’s group. I’ve found that for every girl I’ve been potentially interested in, there are 3-4 other guys (sometimes the same guys over and over) who are likewise enamoured with the poor unsuspecting female. The reason I know other guys are interested in the same girls I’ve been interested in? They tell me! (Conversations begin with, “Please pray for me, I totally want to ask out so-and-so. What do you think of her?”) This has happened several times over the last year. For this guy, the prospect of getting to know a girl “from the outside” is like waiting until Christmas Eve to buy Tickle-Me-Elmo, or Play Station 3, or the iPhone (or the like). I hate to make mate selection sound completely clinical, but when you’re in the beaker of Christian singles groups, you have to be extremely pro-active in your research and pursuit. Obviously, in the end, the woman will decide who she truly likes, and it may not be the first contestant. While shooing off the annoying male vultures, she may have her eye on a completely separate bird. Hopefully, he carries the confidence to fly in among the carnivores.

Dissecting The Dating Conundrum
How can you really develop a true friendship with a woman if you feel rushed and pushed, and if you feel this pressure of being competitive with other guys around you? I’ve come to the conclusion that in most cases, you have to develop that friendship after asking that girl out (but if you ask too soon, you run the risk of not being sure yourself if you are %100 interested). At least for me, the perfect situation of getting to know a girl through missions trips, community projects, and church worship teams is close to fairy tale. Certainly, I can get to know different women through these various activities, but it’s challenging to do that, knowing that Bob and Larry and Moe all are also watching this girl, finalizing their resolve, and working up their courage to ask her out (and if odds have it, they’ll beat me to it). I wonder if most women are even aware of this dynamic. Maybe some women do see the competing interests, and enjoy working the floor. Other women might feel like a piece of meat if they knew 3-4 guys were on the observation deck. Dating seems so stupid and juvenile and overly complex and daunting at times.

So how does a well meaning Christian guy develop with a girl a lasting friendship leading towards marriage? This proposition seems to require a keen sense of timing, an acute awareness for mutuality, and a tank-armored immunity towards rejection... all this with unpretentious and collected delivery. Wow. What happened to the days when a guy and girl just fell in love?

As Christians, we have to believe that God is in control. He knew that my parents would marry, He knew that I would be their child, and He knew I would be writing this blog you are reading right now. He knew you before time began, He watched you as you were woven together in the secret place of your mother’s womb. He knows who my children will be (if they will be), He can see me playing catch with my five year old son ten years from now. He knows who my son’s sons and daughters will be. He also knows if I won’t ever marry.

Right now, I’m sitting on the front porch of our family’s cabin in Upper Peninsula Michigan. The trees are rustling with a cool breeze and there is a light ripple on the lake down by our dock. I have really felt God working on my heart the last couple days. How we struggle with surrendering our lives to the Lord. How often we complain about what we don’t have, and whine about what we think we should have. How quickly we want to turn the current page and read the next chapter. Despite these tendencies, I’m finding more and more that God isn’t found in the huge drama or in the surprise endings, but in the suspense and uneasiness of the page turn itself. I’ve had a lot of questions about my own faith recently, and I’ve seriously struggled with the reality that God loves me and is truly at the back of this thread cacophony, weaving together a beautiful colorful work of art.

We have to remember that God is not only an artist, but a skilled writer weaving our multiple unseemingly disconnected stories into a triumphant and breath taking ending. He is constantly working and intersecting our lives, whether we are aware of it or not. The search for a mate can be overwhelming and discouraging (and probably potentially insignificant in the light of eternity), but His plans are not our own own. We never know what a day may bring. We serve a God full of surprises. You may consider your singlehood fate, but chemistry and the will of God are not always predictable. As the ad says, “Life comes at you fast.” One average morning, cupid may find you startled with shattered beakers of scepticism on the floor, and a heart shaped scalpel in your rear end.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God prepared for those who love Him.” I Cor 2:9

Originally published July 15, 2007