First Day on The RunwayI’d like to start this one off with an exert from an email I received from a good female friend of mine. (The below content is, of course, used with her permission.)
“I met this girl named Allison (substituted name) through a campus ministry. A humanities grad student who seems together strong and fun, at least until she starts to talk about dating. She launched into a discussion about this new book she read about how singles are being selfish and neglecting their obligation to get married. She is serious... and then she says "If a guy and a girl are Christians and both are looking to be married, what else matters? Isn't the rest details?" "Is it too much to want a guy who connects with what I am academically interested in? My mouth fell to the ground of the hippie academic coffee shop floor and I realized that I had once again entered the Christian dating twilight zone where all the mystery of who we are and what we love suddenly vanishes to reveal another dimension. She has already been on three dates. Its like girls have this vibe they emit saying I will marry the first guy who asks and cooks and cleans for himself. At least I am not interested in any guy in that dimension. But isn't it scary? It's like you could say, "Hey, I found the perfect girl for you. She is Christian and good-looking.” End of conversation.”
Wow. Scary is right. Some people just throw out the entire process of discovering “compatibility.” As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I think we need to be realistic and flexible when making our “lists.” Nevertheless, there is something to be said about having some standards when pursuing a mate. I can’t agree that a guy and girl are simply a good match just because they are both Christians (and are attracted to each other). I’ve met a lot of attractive Christian girls, but there’s often some catch... I don’t know, maybe that they’re two feet taller than me... or they are 15 years older than me... or they were raised as a spoiled child in a millionaire family and don’t know what it’s like to live with an audio producer’s salary... or they can’t stand rock music of any sort...or they drink all weekend and swear on their myspace site... or whatever... I think you get my point. We all have our limits. My friend above asks, "Is it too much to want a guy who connects with what I am academically interested in?” No, I don’t think it is. We need to understand who we are and what we’re looking for, all the while seeking God’s counsel.
Clear For Take-Off (But Unprepared for High Winds)
I’m not going to say it’s foolish for people to get married right out of high school, or half way through college... however, I’ve just noticed that many (not all) 20 year olds don’t really know who they are. Some of them just know they’re horny and they want to get married and put an end to that, end of story... or they desperately want to hold a baby of their own in their arms. Don’t get me wrong... I’m not saying these are bad desires in themselves (having children and/or having sex). I’m just questioning the notion that these longings are enough for two people to commit their entire lives to each other, all the while putting little thought into much else. I don’t think the main question here is whether certain people are old enough to be married. I think the bigger and more heavy question is “what is a couple’s motive for getting married?” As Christians, what should be our motives if we do decide to marry? I just wonder if some younger folks are so enraptured with pulsing endorphins that they can’t see straight enough to consider their own motives.
I certainly can’t tell you why certain folks get married, and the reality is, it is generally none of my business (nor is it yours). However, I’d like to throw a few possibilities out there. Some of these are my own assumptions, and some are ideas from friends or family.
Over Active Radars
As a guy, I think it would be fair to say that most guys get married at least partially for sex. Some Christian guys have this idea that “things get easier” when you are married, and from talking to older married men, I’ve discovered that wisdom will tell you the temptations only get more complicated and difficult after the marriage vows. I think some guys have this mindset that marriage will solve their lust issues (however those issues express themselves). Some people will use the verse, “It is better to marry than to burn” (I Cor. 7:9) as a motivator for young people to get married. I do think this verse has its place, especially if two people have been dating for a long while, and the temptations are getting more and more challenging to combat. However, I don’t think this verse is Paul’s exhortment for horny young men to go find the first attractive Christian girl and marry her. I’m sure a woman would feel real special if she knew that was your road map.
As a side note, I want to send a kudos out to all the Godly men who aren’t looking at marriage as some “outlet,” but as a way to truly love and encourage another human being to be what God has created her to be. I think the tough reality is we just have to strive to be pure, and that is always going to be tough whether you’re married or not. If you’re “holding out for marriage,” (seeing it as some answer to your impulses) you might be in for a rude awakening when you wake up some day and your wife just isn’t “interested” when you really wish she was. Guys, we all know it’s a struggle in the world we live in... but from what I can understand, there is no substitute for a woman who really loves you.
She's Got a Ticket To Fly
I really can’t speak for the women, but I sense that a lot of women are seeking security in a stable relationship, a home, and children... all of which are incredible gifts from God. However, like anything, these can become idols such that they become seemingly more important than God’s will. I’m not going to say that all 20 year old women (or men) don’t know who they are (or what they want, or what they're willing to commit to) ... that would be a serious blanket statement which would certainly get me in trouble... what I will say is that I’ve seen some examples of younger women who don’t know what they want to do with their lives, so they marry, assuming that is what they should do. A couple years later, they realize that marriage is a bigger responsibility than they had first anticipated, and change their minds and end up chasing careers or other unhealthy relationships which are “more exciting,” all the while leaving their current marriages in shambles. Again, please understand I’m not saying that age is necessarily the issue here. Immaturity is the suspect at hand. Some women I’ve known have married (or have shacked up with a boyfriend) just to run away from their parents, or some troubling situation in their lives. That is a madday waiting to happen.
In Case of an Emergency
Marriage should never be looked to as a solution. It is a huge responsibility, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. It is not a quick fix. If we have addictions or broken relationships in our lives, it is best that we start taking care of those concerns before we ever walk down the white aisle of matrimony. If you have trouble with authority, you’ll mostly likely struggle with that in marriage. If you have problems with lust or alcohol or drugs or shopping... that ugliness will be starring you in the face across the pillow the morning after your honeymoon night.
In light of all this, I want to consider the prospect of patience, forgiveness, and the concept of “bearing with one another.” We are all screwed up. If you don’t have one problem, you have another. I heard a story of a middle aged man and woman who were good friends and had been dating for 10 years. For such a long time, they just weren’t sure about the relationship, and after 10 years, they decided it was time to say “I do.” After marrying, the woman mentioned that after all the apprehensions, she wished that they had alternately been married much sooner. Sometimes, fear can lead you to miss great opportunities.
Breath Normally
If you’re waiting until you’re perfect or until you find the perfect person, you’ll probably never get married. There has to be a balance. You've got to have some standards, you have to be realistic, and you need to be willing to ask the tough questions. If you are wanting to be married, what are your motives? Also, are you aware of your issues and are you cleaning those closets now? Where are you with God? Are you asking Him to mold you into what He wants you to be instead of looking to marriage as your fast jet out?
You can only take so much baggage on the plane before it crashes and burns.
Originally published November 5, 2006
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